Once a month, I host a free public coaching call called Ask Krista Anything. This is a space where, client or not, anybody can come to get their questions answered and watch other people get coached.
Whether you’re ready to join Mom Goes On, or you just want to be in a room with other widows, there is so much value in seeing what else is available to you.
So, this week, I’m bringing you a recent Ask Krista Anything call to give you a taste of some of the most common questions other widows have on their minds, and my best tips, wherever you are on your widowhood journey.
Welcome to The Widowed Mom Podcast, episode 161, Ask Krista Anything Free Public Coaching Call.
Welcome to The Widowed Mom Podcast, the only podcast that offers a proven process to help you work through your grief, to grow, evolve, and create a future you can truly look forward to. Here’s your host, Master Certified life coach, grief expert, widow, and mom, Krista St. Germain.
Hey there, welcome to another episode of the podcast. You know what happens almost every time I go to record this podcast? I sit down, I test my microphone and no joke, my air conditioner comes on. And my air conditioner sounds like planes are taking off. It’s the craziest thing. So, for the second time we’re going to start this podcast now that I have shut off the airplane engines and we’re going to go. So welcome to the podcast.
I wanted to do something a little bit different today. Some of you might not know that once a month I host an Ask Krista Anything free public coaching call. And anybody can come, it’s free. All you have to do if you want to be kept in the loop about those calls is go to my website, coachingwithkrista.com and scroll down to the bottom of the homepage or you can just wait long enough and a popup will appear.
But if you enter your name and email address, you will get on my mailing list and then you will start getting in the loop of all the things going on in my world. One of them being a free monthly public coaching call. I like to do these calls because (a) not everybody’s going to able to afford coaching with me. I get it. And (b) I think there’s a lot of value in just watching other people get coached, even if you don’t want to get coached yourself because maybe you’re too nervous or you don’t know what coaching is all about.
Just watching and benefitting from the coaching that other people receive can be tremendously powerful for you. And it can give people who have never been coached an idea of what coaching is about. So today I’m going to rerun an Ask Krista Anything free public coaching call that we did just this past couple of weeks. It’s a pretty recent call, so that you can get a feel for what’s available to you if you would like it. So, if you’d like it, make sure you’re on my mailing list and then we’ll notify you every time we do a free public coaching call and you can come if you like.
Also, if you can’t come you’ll get the replay because I know a lot of us are working during the day when I do this call so we’ll send you the replay and you can catch it that way. Alright, so that’s what we’re going to do in the podcast today. And before we jump in I wanted to tell you a couple of things. Just a reminder, for those of you who are Life Coach School certified coaches, I know there are a lot of you that listen to this podcast, either because you’re interested in grief, some of you I know just like my coaching and teaching style and you listen for that reason.
But I am working on an advanced certification for those who want to feel very confident coaching grief and posttraumatic growth. A lot of people are holding back on coaching clients who are having grief experiences and frankly, I’m just not okay with it anymore. I have reached the point where I’ve just decided we’re going to do something about this. Let me help you get comfortable coaching grief and posttraumatic growth because even if grief isn’t your niche, everyone goes through grief at some point.
And I don’t want you freezing up, or holding back not coaching powerfully when a client really needs your help. I can’t coach all the people in the world but I can teach more coaches how to feel better and more confident coaching grief. So, if that’s something that you’re interested in, email us at firstname.lastname@example.org and we will put you on our interest list so that when that certification is available you will be among the first to know.
And then lastly I did decide the price increase for Mom Goes On which is my signature six month coaching program for widowed moms who want to love life again even though their spouse died, I told you a price increase was coming but I hadn’t decided on when. I have decided that it will be for those who join after July 31st. So, anyone who joins before July 31st will get the current pricing. We haven’t had a price increase in a couple of years. Anybody who joins after that will get the increased pricing.
So, if you’ve been on the fence about joining Mom Goes On, I highly recommend that you consider doing that between now and July 31st. And one thing you might not know that would make you want to join earlier than later is that no matter when you join, we start a new group every month but when you join, let’s say you join on July 5th and the July group has already started, we have something that we call month zero. And the month zero is something we created recently because we don’t want you to have to wait until the 1st of the next month.
So, when you’re in month zero you can kind of audit what’s happening in the class, meaning you get to come to all the coaching calls. You get all the coaching call recordings. You don’t actually get coached but you get to watch, you get to be a fly on the wall. You get to poke around in our online community and see what it’s like. You get access to some of the material so you can kind of ease your way in. And also, so that you just don’t have to wait, if you take advantage of month zero.
I love that for you because then when the first of the month comes and your cohort is ready to start you are ready to absolutely hit the ground running. And there’s no need to wait. So, the sooner you join in the month the more of month zero you get to take advantage of. So, it used to be that we made people wait. It didn’t matter if you joined on the second of the month, if the cohort had already started then you just had to wait for a whole month and there was nothing for you to do between then and the time the next month rolled around. And I just don’t want you to have to wait.
So, month zero is our answer to that which is kind of fun because then instead of six months, you actually get seven. So that is what I have for you. Let’s jump into this session of Ask Krista Anything. And what I want to tell you to do while you are listening is do not assume that because a person’s circumstance is different from yours that the coaching doesn’t apply. Because if you’ve been listening to this podcast for any length of time you know that it’s not what happens to us that causes our emotional experience of it.
It’s not the things that are happening in our lives that are causing our experience of the things that are happening in our lives. It’s the response that we have. It’s the behavior patterns that you want to be listening for. So, be listening for how the coaching applies to you, even if your circumstances are different, ask yourself, where am I doing something similar? Where am I struggling with the same thought pattern? Where am I holding myself back without even knowing that I’m doing it in the same way that this person is? What is there for me to take from this coaching session?
Because group coaching can be incredibly powerful if you’re listening appropriately. I always tell people in Mom Goes On, when you’re the client and you’re the one in the hotseat your brain typically feels a little bit threatened, a little bit uncomfortable. It’s not because you’ve done anything wrong, it’s just because the brain doesn’t really like to be in the spotlight. And so sometimes it’s hard to receive coaching for yourself.
But when you’re watching someone else get coached, you can so clearly see what’s going on and then apply it to your own life if you have the right mindset coming into it. So, take that open mindset with you into listening to this Ask Krista Anything call and see what there is for you. Let’s get into it.
Krista: Hello, hello. Welcome to Ask Krista Anything. Come on in. Hello, Julianne, and Laura, Angela, Sonia, Jamie, Jean, come in, come in. We’re going to do some coaching today. Okay, so if you’ve never been to one of these, welcome. I’m going to explain to you how this is going to work and then we’re going to jump in. We have 30 minutes together. So, we are going to coach you on – or I, I say we, it’s just me. I’m going to coach you on whatever it is you need help with.
And the way that we’re going to do that is you can either click the raise your hand button on your screen, and I will see it. Or you can type something in the Q&A and I will see it. So, if you type in the Q&A nobody else will see it but me. You can do it anonymously if you want, you can put whatever you want in there and I will answer as many questions as there are or as many questions as we have time for, till our 30 minutes are up. And then I will see your hand if you raise it. And if you raise your hand it can be messy. It does not have to be anything.
However, you are is beautiful and perfect. If you are feeling like a hot mess express, what was it, I had a client call it, what did she call it? I can’t remember. Jamie, what was it? Anyway, you can be a complete and total mess and it’s fine, I will help you. You just puke it out on me, tell me what you need help with and I will coach you. So please don’t tell yourself you have to have make-up on, or you have to look a certain way, or be dressed a certain way.
As long as you’re in a safe place and it’s safe for you to be coached, meaning you’re not trying to drive a car or do something that would make coaching unsafe. Then you just raise your hand and we will coach. So that’s one option and the other option is Q&A. So, while you think about it, get brave, put your question in there or raise your hand, I’m going to introduce myself if we’ve never met before, or if you’re new to my world. So, I’m Krista St. Germain and I’m a master certified grief and posttraumatic growth coach.
And I run a coaching program called Mom Goes On. I do this work because it matters to me. My husband died in August of 2016 and it changed my whole world. And for quite a while I thought that I could never be as happy again as I once was. And fortunately, I discovered coaching and I also discovered posttraumatic growth. And I learned the tools I needed that were more than talk therapy offered me, although therapy was very helpful for me at a particular point. But I learned how to manage my brain.
I learned how to use my thoughts as tools. I learned how to allow myself to feel any feeling and some other tools that I now teach. And I also learned that posttraumatic growth is real. It really is possible for us to take any loss or any trauma that has happened in our lives and use that as the raw material to create a life that’s even more satisfying, that’s even more meaningful, that’s even more aligned with our values. A lot of times for widows that brings up a lot of resistance.
That makes us feel guilty, we resist this idea that if I love my life even more, what does that mean about my person? And so that’s all very normal and natural but this is exactly what I want to help people with is if you want to love your life again instead of settling for this new normal that you think you have to settle for, then let’s go do that. Let’s go love life again because it’s possible for all of us. Jamie, I know what it was, it was spicey disaster. She was like, “I’m not a hot mess, I’m a spicey disaster.” I like that.
Okay, so let’s see. So, raise your hand if you know you want coaching. And don’t be scared, it’s just us chickens. And then I will look in the Q&A. So Marine asks, “What are your thoughts of his family wanting a relationship when he distanced us from them before he died?” Marine, I just want you to be empowered to do whatever you want. If you want a relationship with his family, if that matters to you, and you find value there then you have full permission to have a relationship with them.
If you don’t want a relationship with them then it’s your one precious life and you get to be the boss of it. And you get to decide who and how you spend your time with. So totally up to you. I think oftentimes we put pressure on ourselves or we think that there’s a right way or a wrong way, or we worry so much about what other people will think about our choices, that we don’t make the choices we genuinely want to make. And we don’t have to do that to ourselves. You are empowered to do whatever it is you want to do.
Who knows what your husband’s reasons were for distancing those people from you before he died? Maybe if you decide that you want a relationship with them, maybe at some time you’ll get some new data about them and you’ll change your mind. Maybe there is a side of them you haven’t yet seen. And if you see it you’ll decide, you know what? Maybe I don’t want a relationship with them. Okay, no harm, no foul. You’ll know then but how would you know now if you didn’t have a relationship with them before? There’s probably some information that you don’t know.
Okay, I see a couple more questions coming in but I also see a couple of hands. So, Angela, I’m going to come to you first and then Patty, I see your hand too. So, Angela, and there you are. There is a picture of you. What can I help you with?
Angela: Well, I want to know basically how to make a decision, how to know if it’s the right one. So basically, I have the opportunity to do things for myself in this whole who I am going to be now, and what am I going to do with my life. And I have started with okay, I want to get my doctorate in psychology. That would be fabulous. I thought I would go back to teaching. I found out very quickly that I am not going back to teaching. I got an interview and was so stressed out over that, it was okay, I’m not ready for that. My emotions are still too raw.
But there’s those things and then there’s, well, I could totally quit my job and move to Fiji and that would be fun. But my 16 and 18 year old wouldn’t approve. So, I know some things are just totally not legit, like moving to Fiji. But I feel I can’t make a logical decision anymore. I feel like there’s too much brain fog going on or am I doing it to escape, to spend money? Those kind of things. How do I know if I really want to get my doctorate in psychology? I know I wanted to do that two years ago but am I doing it now just to have something to keep my mind busy and not deal with my emotions?
Krista: Distract yourself. Yeah, okay. So, backing up to your original question because I think it’s so valuable. How do I make a right decision? So many of us struggle here. And I think one of the main reasons that we struggle is because we have bought into the idea that there is such a thing as a right or wrong decision and that it exists outside of us. But really whether a decision is right or wrong is just based on what we decide to believe about our own decision. This is why it can be so chicken and egg.
Because what we’re really worried about is that we’ll tell ourselves later we made the wrong decision. So, what if we take that option off the table?
Angela: I mean what if I sign up for my doctorate and then a month into it I’m like, “This is not what I was supposed to do?”
Krista: Yeah, what if?
Angela: I don’t want to make that mistake. I want to do it right.
Krista: What if it’s not a mistake?
Angela: So, okay, I totally get that, that I should just try it and move forward. But I have so many options.
Krista: Well, we can’t do them all at once. Which one do you want to start with?
Angela: Well, I want to go on a Disney cruise in January that I just saw in my email.
Krista: Let’s go.
Angela: Oh, no, this is very hard for me because I’m always – always been the person that makes all the decisions and boom, like that. We need a new washer dryer, I know what it is before we go in there. And I can’t decide.
Krista: Decision making will be easier when you give yourself permission to be kind no matter what decision you make. And it is unreasonable to expect that we are psychic. So, I actually before I decided to become a coach in my process because I was like, “I could become a coach.” My therapist was like, “You should be a therapist, come and work for me, you can buy my practice.” She had my whole life planned out. And so, I actually enrolled in an MFT program.
And I was waiting for it to start, I decided, I’m going to go to this MFT program. And then I went to orientation and I was like, “I don’t think so. I have more data now, this is actually not for me.” But had I not gone to that orientation, also at the same time I was getting coaching and I was seeing the power of coaching and that was becoming an option for me. But if I had not gotten coached, if I had not enrolled in the program and gone through orientation I would have never gotten new data.
And it’s the new data that allows you to make new decisions. So, we want to – give yourself permission. I’m going to be kind to myself no matter what decisions I make and the only way I learn is by doing, that is how I learn. So, I’m going to make a plan, I’m going to give it a try, I’m going to see what new data comes from that and then I’m going to adjust. I’m going to iterate and that is my new way of going forward. I don’t put pressure on myself to know, I just try some stuff. And I learn by doing and I’m kind as I go about it.
Yeah, because that’s what we’re really worried about. We coach on this a lot inside of Mom Goes On. It’s like if we could just truly decide that no matter what we will not listen to the mean voice in our head. And we have an answer for it, we’re like, I know mean voice, I know inner critic, you’re just trying to keep me safe. But it was a good decision for me to try this PhD or whatever it was.
It was a good decision because I learned something about what I like and don’t like. And then that led me to the next thing and that led me to the next thing. And we learn by doing. So, thank you for wanting to keep me safe but I’ve got this.
Angela: And I don’t have to plan the rest of my life in the next five minutes.
Krista: I mean can you imagine how much pressure are we putting on ourselves when we do that? But if we don’t think that we’re supposed to do it all right, and we know that we’re going to be kind to ourselves, we can stop putting so much pressure on ourselves. You’ve never been in this place in your life. You’ve never been here. How are you supposed to know? It’s not fair to expect yourself to know. You’re going to learn by doing and you’re going to be nice to yourself as you do it. Deal?
Angela: And as you’re saying that I also realize that I – well, one of the thing I did was become a life coach. And at the time it was, this is crazy, this is ridiculous. But I told my husband and I was like, “I should do this.” And he was the one that said, “Yes, you should.” And now I don’t have that person reinforcing my big dreams.
Krista: Yeah. And so now we’ve got to figure out how do I reinforce them myself. Because what really happened is he said, “Go do it”, and you let yourself believe that he was right, that the decision was right, that you were right for doing it. And now we just have to bypass the part where he supports you and go straight to the part where you learn to support you. You were doing it before, you’re just giving him the credit, we all do this.
And so now we’re just bypassing that and you’re giving you the credit. And you’re learning to support you in a new and different way. Totally normal. Okay, I can’t wait to hear what happens, keep me posted.
Angela: Thank you. Appreciate it.
Krista: Okay, alright, you’re welcome. Okay, let’s see, change role to attendee. And then Patty, I’m coming for you. Okay, Patty, while I’m bringing you on, let me answer a question here. Can you advise a new widow, seven week ago, I’m 49 years old and my kids are 11, 10 and 6, JFB81 is what your name is? Go and I might be able to get to you, but definitely go listen to the Widowed Mom Podcast and start with the episode called New Widows Start Here. And you start with that one.
Jamie, can you pop a link into the Q&A so she can see it? We’ll send you a link and then you can start there because that is a great episode to start with and it kind of tells you some of the lay of the land and how you might want to start using the podcast to help you. Okay, Patty, do you want to unmute? Hi, what’s happening? Hi.
Patty: So, I am a widow of three years, I was married for 33 years and it was unexpected. And he actually ended up passing away on our 33rd wedding anniversary. So since then, I retired, I was a police officer and retired, and 31 years. We were supposed to have bought a house down in Florida. And we were going down there when everything happened. And so, I didn’t end up retiring then and I stayed on for a little longer. So, I retired last August which has been – which I was struggling before the retirement of working for 31 years and then leaving a job that I loved.
But I knew it was time to go, it’s been very, very difficult for me because my identity and anything that I’ve known it to be, my kids are older, they’re gone. My husband’s gone. My job’s gone. And here I am kind of flailing along trying to figure out what I need to get up in the morning for and every purpose that I did. And I really struggle with that, my identity trying to figure out what the heck I’m going to do now, and to give me purpose to get up. Because I wake up with such anxiety and fear every single morning. I tend to get better as the day progresses.
But up until 12/1 o’clock I can hardly even navigate. I started dating an individual who lives an hour and 45 minutes, I have a difficult time committing to anything. Let’s go see a movie. Okay, I’ll let you know. And at the last minute, okay I’ll go because I’m so afraid of not being able to. And not being able to keep that commitment, that I’m going to just feel yucky or be yucky, and stuff. So, I’m just – I don’t know.
Krista: Patty, when you wake up and you notice the anxiety and fear, what goes through your mind, what do you tell yourself about the anxiety and fear?
Patty: I go to bed with thoughts of, okay, I could do this tomorrow. And when I wake up I think I have put some – I think, okay, well, this is what I need to do. And I think the anxiety and the fear comes in but I don’t want to and it’s exhausting. And there is nothing on my to-do list that I’m going to enjoy. I golf once a week which I just started three weeks ago which has been a blessing because it’s the only thing I really look forward to is that. So, when I get up those mornings I just get up and I go, and I don’t have all that anxiety.
Krista: The anxiety and fear, okay.
Patty: I think it’s just that I don’t – there is nothing that I look forward to and what am I going to do today? And I’m such a loser, sitting here on this bed and what in the hell is wrong with me?
Krista: And so, it seems like the reason you are a ‘loser’ or something is wrong with you is because you’re feeling this anxiety and fear?
Patty: And I’m just laying there doing nothing. I have no desire. I have no motivation to do, I also had knee surgery, I had a full knee replacement which I’ve had problems with. I’m a very fit and everything person, so my life was pretty damn perfect. Loved my job, loved my husband, the kids and all that and it just completely imploded in every direction. And it’s just, I have never had to…
Krista: So, it’s interesting that when you wake up and you feel anxiety and fear one of your responses to yourself is that you’re a loser. Because I’m guessing, can you think of someone else that’s not you that you love, if they woke up and had anxiety and fear would you call them a loser?
Krista: Yeah. So, what if we don’t try to change the anxiety and fear yet but we just change how we respond to ourselves when it’s there.
Krista: So instead of you’re a loser, look at you feeling all this anxiety and fear, you’re a loser.
Patty: And no motivation to do anything.
Krista: And you have no motivation which means you’re a double loser. And you’re just laying there, loser. Can you feel how mean that feels?
Krista: Yeah. But did you do anything wrong because you’re feeling anxiety and fear?
Patty: I feel like I do because I’m not motivating myself to do something.
Krista: Yeah, okay. But what if all humans sometimes especially in grief feel anxiety and fear?
Patty: Yeah, they do, I know they do.
Krista: Yeah, okay. But just notice how your brain is like, your inner critic is like, and Patty that makes you a loser. And I might overhear, no, no, no, that’s just part of grief. That’s just part of being human.
Patty: And just like she was saying, how do you, you know, like her, making decisions, oh my God, I mean I was a police officer, police detective, did homicides for 16 years. I was a badass and I am like, you know what I mean?
Krista: And you still are a badass, you’re just talking to yourself like you’re a loser. You didn’t change. You’re still you. You’re still a badass. I know, I know. But you’re not allowing yourself to think of you in a kind way. You’re making a very normal human experience mean there’s something wrong with you. And we don’t have to do that. Truly, you could wake up and go, “Oh, yes, this is the part where I wake up and I feel anxiety and fear because I’m a human and because I’ve been through some stuff. I love myself. What are we going to do today?”
Even if we don’t feel motivated and even if we feel anxiety and fear. I could tell you what we’re not going to do and we’re not going to poop on ourselves and call ourselves a loser.
Krista: Yeah. Right now inside of Mom Goes On, this is what we’re doing and you all can do it too if you want on your own. But one of the things we’re doing is we’re doing a self-compassion challenge which is every day watch for our inner critic voice and listen to it. So, yours is like, you’re a loser, Patty. You’re unmotivated. You’re lazy. All the things it’s saying. And then respond intentionally. I hear you. I know you think that I’m a loser but I’m actually just a human who’s feeling anxiety and fear.
And all humans sometimes feel anxiety and fear especially considering what I’ve been through. There is nothing wrong with me because I feel anxiety and fear. But thank you inner critic for trying to keep me safe. Because we can change that narrative that is inside of our brain if we know it’s there, if we know it’s optional. And that’s the first step is starting to see it as optional. It is not a problem that you feel anxiety and fear. It is not a problem that you don’t feel motivated.
It is a problem that you judge yourself for the way that you feel. And that’s the part we can change. Sound like a place to start?
Krista: Yeah, okay. Again, remember when I was talking to Angela, I don’t know if you were on the call but if we could just be kind to ourself no matter what. Even when we feel terrible and we’re still nice to ourselves then instead of having pain and suffering that comes from self-judgment, we didn’t take away the pain because the pain is part of being human and it’s definitely part of grief. But we don’t have to keep all that suffering on top of it with our own judgment of how we feel. Okay, let’s start there.
Krista: Okay, because you’re still a badass. You can answer it too, you can be like yeah, I’m a badass and right now this badass is feeling some anxiety and some fear.
Patty: Yeah, she is.
Krista: Because she’s a human badass but she’s still a badass. Okay?
Krista: Okay, alright.
Patty: Thank you.
Krista: Alright, you’re so welcome. Alright, what time is it? 2:40, okay, let me look at the chat and then JFB81 I’ll come to you. Laura says, “I’m getting ready to set out for a solo two week vacation of camping. I’m excited but then I feel panic and then I beat myself up, I can’t do this. I so much want to enjoy my vacation but this is so frustrating.” Okay Laura, so here’s what we’re going to do. If you stop trying to control how you feel, how you feel becomes easier. So, your job isn’t to not panic. Your job isn’t to enjoy the vacation the whole time.
Your job is just to feel however you feel and stop worrying about how you feel. In Mom Goes On we literally start with feelings because it’s such a gamechanger. If you believe that it was okay if you panicked, if you believe that it was okay if you didn’t enjoy the vacation, if you believe that however you felt was okay, you would relax and you would stop trying to control how you feel and you would just let yourself feel how you feel and you would have a whole different experience. So that’s what I want to encourage you to do is stop trying to control it and just let it be what it is.
Because you can handle any feeling. Feelings are just vibrations in the body caused by thoughts in the mind. They are transitory. They pass. They are supposed to be there and they can’t hurt us. If we just allow them to pass through it’s like rolling over in a stream and just floating. So many of us, we’re swimming upstream trying to make these feelings go away or change how we feel and it’s so effortful and it’s so much more complicated than it needs to be. We could just literally roll over and float and it would be so much easier.
Okay, and then let’s see. Kim says, “I am ready to date but I don’t know how to go about it. I was with my husband at a very young age.” Okay, Kim, you have not dated in a while. But this is a trippy thing, stay with me. If you allow yourself to continue believing, I don’t know how. You will never do it, you will stay stuck. And the reason is that I don’t know how, it’s one of our primitive brain’s most favorite thoughts. Our primitive brain would really just like it if we stayed safe in the cave.
Our primitive brain would really just like it if we didn’t take any risks. It wants us to seek pleasure, and avoid pain, and be efficient. It does not want us to date again. Dating again means we could get rejected into our primitive brain, rejection equals death. So, our primitive brain is very uninterested in us leaving the cave and/or dating again. So, it’s very convenient that our primitive brain would offer us the I don’t know how thought. Because I don’t know makes us feel confused. And when we feel confused we don’t take action, we just spin.
It’s not just you, it’s all humans. Whenever we get caught in I don’t know, we get confused and we spin. So, if you tell yourself, okay, aha brain, I saw what you just did there. I saw that I don’t know thought. What if I know more than I think? What if I know what the next step is, what could I do, what do I know? And you don’t allow yourself to get caught in that primitive brain, I don’t know. Options will start to show themselves to you. What do I know? Well, I know that there are dating apps. I know that I could pick up the phone and call that neighbor person.
I know that I could start a conversation at the grocery store. I know that there are dating services. I know other people have done this. Maybe I could find out what they have done. But I don’t know will block you every time. And so, you’ve not done anything wrong when your brain offers you I don’t know. It’s just part of you trying to keep you safe and we have to go aha, I see you. What do I know? How do I know more than my brain is giving me credit for? Okay, Kim. Okay, alright, JFB81, I can’t wait to hear what your actual name is.
I’m going to promote you to panelist, and you will be our last person today. And I see you said in the comments that you’re 40 and not 49. And you said you’re seven weeks a widow. Kids are 11, 10 and 6. Okay, hello.
Jade: My name’s Jade.
Krista: Hi. Jade, that’s beautiful. Okay, so all of this said, what would be useful to you? What are you hoping to get out of coaching?
Jade: I don’t know. I’m just really finding – my husband died, my husband Adam died seven weeks ago today actually suddenly from a heart attack. I saw you online, sorry my kids are talking, that’s just how it is now.
Krista: It’s alright, that is just how it is, feel you.
Jade: Yeah. I just feel like I’m just looking for anything. This was sudden heart attack and his worst fear was that this would happen after his first heart attack. And he had his first heart attack but it wasn’t like he was doing anything. My kids are all over here, sorry.
Krista: There’s kids and a cat.
Jade: He had a heart attack in July which he survived. And he was doing great, his labs were better, he was feeling better, so this was a shock, this was. So, I don’t know. And I’m struggling this week. It’s the seven week mark [inaudible], for some reason by six to seven weeks I think everybody’s kind of resumed their life. I’m not getting kind of phone calls. And I’m feeling it a ton, I’m feeling it.
Krista: Yeah. What do you feel like is the biggest struggle right now, Jade? Because I’m sure there’s a long list.
Jade: I just miss him terribly. He really was the love of my life and my best friend. So, I’m just struggling with pain?
Krista: Okay. So, if I could wave a magic wand, obviously I would but I can’t. And the pain is okay. It’s not that you’re not supposed to be feeling it. Is it okay for you or does it feel like it’s not supposed to be there?
Jade: No, I know it’s supposed to be there. It’s just hard. It’s just debilitating.
Krista: Yeah, okay. So, have you listened to the podcast yet?
Jade: Yes, I have listened to some episodes.
Krista: Okay. So, How to Feel Better Now would be a good one. The ones I just did on tapping would also be really helpful because what they’re focused on is not changing your feelings but on just having some ways of processing. So that when the rollercoaster comes, when the wave comes, also grief grenade, the one on grief grenades would be the ones I would turn to first of just learning, okay, all of this intense missing, longing and sometimes it’s going to knock me over like a huge wave. How do I support myself when that happens?
Because I can’t change it, it’s just going to need to run its course. And how can I support myself so that I make my experience of it easier for myself. Does that make sense?
Jade: Yes. We’re in grief counseling, myself and the kids are all in grief counseling. And so, we are getting that. And I’ve been in touch with my doctor and all that. It’s just the part that, like when they say you have to walk through the valley, you have to walk through the valley.
Krista: Yeah. I mean I was right there. I’m not going to lie and say that it’s lovely. It’s not. For me what helped was a lot of – I wrote a lot, that helped me. I talked to my therapist a lot and just let it all out. I prioritized my own rest and sleep as much as I could because I needed it. I didn’t force myself to say yes when I wanted to say no.
Jade: Yeah. And so, it’s tricky, knowing, I don’t know – I mean I don’t know, all the people that live locally, that are dealing with this are older. They’re in their 50s or 60s. I feel like I’m in a very small minority box with being 40 and having the three kids.
Krista: You probably are in your own social circle. But what I want to encourage you to do, because the brain always finds what it seeks. So, if you are continually believing that no one else out there understands or that you’re in a really small box your brain will kind of only show you the older widows. So, give yourself permission to believe that there’s more of us than your brain has shown you and that they’re waiting to connect with you. And then you’ll start seeing them and it will be easier to connect with them and kind of build your own community.
Because they are out there, I mean I was 40 when it happened to me but I felt exactly the same way. And I was like, “Where are all the young widows? Because I’m pretty sure all the widows I see are 87.” But there’s a ton of us. I mean my coaching program is literally full of them. I have a Facebook group that’s free by the way, come on in, 4,000 widows in there. It doesn’t make it easier but it does help you see that you aren’t so alone.
Jade: Yeah, thank you.
Krista: You’re welcome. Hang in there. And listen, let the first few months be a total hazy fog. Give yourself permission to flash the widow card as much or as often as you want. And just, it’s going to suck but it is going to get better. Yeah, okay.
Jade: Yeah, thank you. I know, it doesn’t feel like it right now, it feels…
Krista: I know. I know it doesn’t. I remember that. But from where I sit over here I can tell you it will get better. I can tell you that what you still have, is you still have the ability to choose how you want to think about yourself. You still have the ability to choose how you want to think about your life. You still have the ability to dream. You still have the ability to be the one driving the car. And I know that doesn’t mean that it’s all roses. But death, as much as it sucks, it can’t take your ability to think, and feel, and choose away from you. Even though it hurts like a – yeah. But you’re going to find it.
Jade: Yeah, thank you.
Krista: You’re welcome. Okay, good to see you, nice to meet you, Jade.
Jade: Thank you.
Krista: Alright, everybody, I’ve got to go. Hopefully I got to most people’s questions. If not, we’ll do another one of these. I’d like to do them once a month but listen, come on in to Mom Goes On or at least apply for it. Here’s how it works, we have an application process, Jamie popped it in the chat. Apply, if we think you are at a place where we can help you, and not everybody is. Jade might not be there yet and I can’t say that it’s based on time. It’s really based on – can we watch a video and fill out a worksheet or is that too much for our brain?
Can we handle a group coaching program or is our cognitive functioning based on where we are in grief not there yet? It’s okay if we’re not there yet. There’s always time later but that’s what the application exists for, is because I don’t want to be offering people thoughts in a program that they aren’t ready for and set them up to fail. That would not be fair. And the group program that I run is online. I’m not coming to your house and able to provide the level of support that your friends are. So, I want to make sure you’re in a good place.
So go apply, coachingwithkrista.com click on Work With Me or use the link that Jamie put in there. Go apply, if it’s a good fit for you we’ll send you information on how the program works and you can join. If it’s not a good fit for you we’re going to send you a free class on things you can do to help yourself until it’s a good fit for you. So, you will get something that helps you either way. If it is right for you, we’ll tell you all about how it works and I’ll also walk you through the framework that we use within Mom Goes On so that you’ll know exactly what you’re getting into, and how it works, and why we do what we do.
Alright, so I love you all. I don’t care where you are in your grief. I’m going to just give you a little challenge. Can you watch for the inner critic voice, just watch this week, what is that little voice that wants to be mean to you? What is that little voice like, you should know what you want to do, or you should be doing better than you are, or you should be better at this, you shouldn’t be feeling this. Whatever that should voice is, watch for that voice. Notice that it is not you. It is not the truth of who you are. And then answer it back.
Answer it back. Thank you for your opinion. Your opinion is noted. Thank you for trying to keep me safe but it’s okay that I feel this way. All humans sometimes feel this way. You know what? This is really hard. I’m doing the best job that I can. How would you speak to yourself if you were five? Because you wouldn’t be mean to your five year old self. Speak to yourself like that. And have your own back. Be your own champion. I give you that challenge this week. Okay, I love you, you’ve got this. Take care. I’ll see you later. Bye.
Alright, I hope you enjoyed that Ask Krista Anything free public coaching call. And again, if you want to actually be on one of these free public calls just go to coachingwithkrista.com watch for the little popup box and then enter your name and email. That will get you on our email list and we will notify you before we do the next call. Whatever is going on with you, remember, I love you, and you’ve got this. Take care and I’ll see you next week. Bye bye.
If you like what you’ve been hearing on this podcast and want to create a future you can truly get excited about after the loss of your spouse, I invite you to join my Mom Goes On coaching program. It’s small group coaching just for widowed moms like you where I’ll help you figure out what’s holding you back and give you the tools and support you need so that you can move forward with confidence.
Please don’t settle for a new normal that’s less than you deserve. Go to coachingwithkrista.com and click work with me for details and the next steps. I can’t wait to meet you.