Ep #305: How to Give Yourself a Break And Why You Probably Need One

Welcome to The Widowed Mom Podcast, Episode 305: How to Give Yourself a Break And Why You Probably Need One.

Welcome to The Widowed Mom Podcast, the only podcast that offers a proven process to help you work through your grief, to grow, evolve, and create a future you can truly look forward to. Here’s your host, Master Certified life coach, grief expert, widow, and mom, Krista St-Germain.

Hey there, welcome to another episode of the podcast. Okay, last chance, Grief Essentials starts tomorrow, April 1st. It’s my 8-week program for those who want to make early grief easier. I know how hard early grief can be, and there are so many things I wish I would have known about how to make it easier after Hugo died, and I want you to benefit from that. So come join us in Grief Essentials. You can go to coachingwithkrista.com/griefessentials and learn all about it and sign up. It is not too late.

Okay, how to give yourself a break and why you probably need one. I want to talk about something that I think might hit close to home if you’re like most of the widows I know, which is giving yourself a break. And I don’t mean just like, hey, you’re doing a good job kind of break. I mean actually resting without guilt.

I have been catching myself recently pushing through to nearly exhaustion. It has been a rough patch for me. And I have been thinking I don’t have time to slow down, I have too much to do. I hear this voice that says you can sleep when you’re dead, which is not very helpful. 

And it’s not just about sleep, right? The truth is I have needed to slow down. I have had this period multiple times in my life and lately I’ve been going through it too. And what I know for me is that when my body says slow down, I need to listen. If I don’t listen, I’m going to get sick.

And something as simple as getting more rest for me helps. Getting off social media, you know, late at night, especially. I set my phone to go off for 15 minutes, 15 minutes of social media, and then it shuts down. And I try not to do that at night. And I have good sleep hygiene now, so much better than at any other period in my life where I actually have an evening routine. I take my vitamins, I wash my face, I brush my teeth, I use my water pick, I do the things, I get in my pajamas.

I’m now even using this little eye massager that I have. I’m not getting screen time late at night and I’m going to bed. And for me, that is the kind of rest that I need. Now for you, it might not be just sleep, right? It might be so much more than that. It might be rest during the daytime that you need.

And I see so many widows that are doing this, right? They’re juggling everything, kids and work and life and grief and all the things. And it’s so easy when the thought of resting comes up, to discount it, because our brain says you should be doing more. You shouldn’t need that much rest.

So today I want to help you see that rest is not a luxury. It is an absolute necessity and I want to help you take an actual guilt-free break and I want to give you some tangible practical strategies for that.

Now, I realize that sometimes we are in positions where taking a break can be very difficult. Sometimes we’re working multiple jobs, there are so many plates that are spinning and that we feel like if we stop, they will fall. And sometimes they will. Sometimes they very truly will. And so we need to acknowledge the realities of that, that it can be very hard to rest.

It can also be very hard to rest because of the thoughts that we have about rest. And we cannot underestimate the importance of this. I don’t have time to rest if I slow down everything will fall apart I should be doing more. There’s something wrong with me. I should be able to keep it all together I should be able to keep it all done. Other people can do it. Why can’t I?

This is the kind of narrative that stops us from resting and it’s so optional. But we want to step back and zoom out and remind ourselves of where these thoughts came from. Think about your cultural conditioning. Think about what it’s like where you live.

I’m in the US. We’re very into production here and productivity here, right? We live in a world that glorifies pushing through. We’re taught that if you don’t stop, that means you’re strong. It’s better to not stop. And I’m envious of those who live in a culture that honor the siesta. I think that is brilliant and lovely and gorgeous.

And what an amazing thing it would be to live in a culture that took a break every afternoon and went home and cooked a full meal and had the biggest meal of the day with family and then took a little nap and then went back to work. But we don’t live in that culture. Most of my listeners don’t. Right? That’s not what we were taught. We were taught multitask, spin all the plates, get all the things done, and strong means never stopping.

I remember in my mid-30s, busy was a badge of honor for me. I don’t know if you relate to that, but busy was a badge of honor for me. When people would ask me how I was doing, I would say, busy. And I actually felt good about saying that. It wasn’t like a way to get pity. It felt like that was the thing you’re supposed to say, I’m busy. And we’re conditioned in that way.

And some of us have a fear of what happens when we slow down. Right? It makes sense. If we’re going, going, going, Then when we slow down, that might be when our grief shows up. That might be when hard emotions show up. That might be when we start to feel a little bit restless or a little bit not satisfied with life. Silence can be hard. Slowing down can be hard in that way for some of us.

And of course, you know, if we have bought into the productivity myth that our worth is tied to how much we get done, that it’s lazy to not do, then that makes it harder. That’s just not true. Unless we decide to believe it. What I want to offer to you is that You don’t have to decide to believe that.

What I have come to know is that when we ignore the need to rest, it does not make us stronger. It makes us exhausted and disconnected and on the edge of burnout, if not burnt out. And for me, physically sick.

So here are some signs that you might need a break in case you’re not sure. If you are emotionally feeling more irritated over little things than normal, if you’re losing patience with your kids or your loved ones, if you’re feeling numb or nothing excites you, you might need a break. 

Physically, if you’re waking up tired even after a “good night’s sleep,” if you have headaches or muscle tension or stress-related body aches, if you’re getting sick more often, I wear an Oura ring and I can track my sleep scores and I can track my heart rate variability and it is so easy for me to see when my heart rate variability is down that I need rest. That can be even if I’m sleeping well, sometimes I just need more rest.

Mentally, are you overthinking but you’re not able to focus? Are you feeling like even small tasks are overwhelming? Maybe you’re experiencing some brain fog or some forgetfulness. This could be a sign that you need rest. If you’re nodding your head right now as you’re listening, please let this be your permission slip. You probably need a break.

Now, how do we actually give ourselves a break? I know this is the hard part. Maybe we’re all like, yeah, duh, I know I need a break. Thanks, Captain Obvious. I know that, but what am I going to do about it? Right?

I want to encourage you first to ask yourself, if my best friend was feeling the way I was feeling, what would I tell her? Because a lot of us, we aren’t treating ourselves like we would treat our best friend. What would you tell your best friend?

Next, what are you considering a break even means? Can we redefine it? Because a break doesn’t necessarily mean a week-long vacation on the beach. I mean, that would be great, but that doesn’t have to be what it is, right? 

It can be five minutes to yourself, five minutes of stillness. It can be sitting outside with no distractions and listening to the birds. It can be putting your feet on the grass and just being there for a bit and breathing. It can be lying on the floor and breathing for a minute, stretching, moving your body, something mindful.

It could be taking a slightly longer shower and actually enjoying the amount of time that is extra. It doesn’t have to be big, dramatic, bold. Other people might not even notice. Small breaks really do add up and matter.

The thing that will stop you from taking that break, even once you’ve identified the small break that it could be and redefined it for yourself, is often the guilt that comes up when we go to take a break. 

If you hear a voice that says, you should be doing something productive, don’t be lazy, your to-do list isn’t gonna do itself, right? Remind yourself, rest is productive. A burned out version of you is not productive. A burned out version of you is not helping herself. A burned out version of you is not productive. A burned out version of you is not helping anyone else.

And besides that, the purpose of being human isn’t to be productive. That’s just a story that we’ve learned to believe. We are not better humans when we are productive. We are not worse humans when we are less productive. Productivity is something we were taught to believe. The purpose of being a human is not to be productive.

I really wanna encourage you also to consider how you could make rest a non-negotiable. Right? You would never tell your child that they don’t need sleep or rest when you know that they do. So what if you didn’t say that to yourself? What if you said instead, if I want to be the best I can be for myself, for my family, I need rest. Period. Life is too short not to rest when we’re tired. We need it. It’s important. You’re worth it. Okay?

You are allowed to rest. You do not have to earn it. You do not have to justify it. You are a human and humans need rest. And especially, you are a grieving human. Grief takes a toll on the body. It is exhausting, and I know you know this. Just remind yourself of it. Let yourself take rest. All right?

Here’s my challenge to you today. I want you to take one small break, just like five minutes, and do nothing. Nothing. And if your brain tells you that you’re lazy or selfish, just notice that that is a thought. It’s just a sentence in your mind. You are not your thoughts. You are the observer of those thoughts. Thoughts are not true unless we keep thinking them. Brains are liars, all right? And rest is necessary.

If you need more support in creating a life that you can actually love again, I want to encourage you to apply for Mom Goes On, coachingwithkrista.com, check out the Work With Me tab.

That’s what I have for you this week. Remember, I love you, you’ve got this, take care, get some rest, and I’ll see you next week. Bye-bye.

If you like what you’ve been hearing on this podcast and want to create a future you can truly get excited about even after the loss of your spouse, I invite you to join my Mom Goes On coaching program. It’s small group coaching just for widowed moms like you where I’ll help you figure out what’s holding you back and give you the tools and support you need so you can move forward with confidence. 

Please don’t settle for a new normal that’s less than what you deserve. Go to coachingwithkrista.com and click Work With Me for details and next steps. I can’t wait to meet you.