Ep #315: When Gratitude Is a Grief Blocker

Welcome to The Widowed Mom Podcast, Episode 315: When Gratitude is a Grief Blocker.

Welcome to The Widowed Mom Podcast, the only podcast that offers a proven process to help you work through your grief, to grow, evolve, and create a future you can truly look forward to. Here’s your host, Master Certified life coach, grief expert, widow, and mom, Krista St-Germain.

Hey there, welcome to another episode of the podcast. This week has been super emotional for me y’all. I am still doing all kinds of work to sell the house, get it ready to be listed. I had my youngest, who just got back into town, take down all the decorations off their wall. Which doesn’t sound like a very big deal, but they had created a can wall, which was an entire wall of aluminum cans, like drink cans, in color order. And it took them several years to do, and it was a really big deal. 

And also, they just expressed a lot of their personality through all the things that were in their rooms, all these collages and big things on the wall, and taking them down was just kind of a bummer. So, that happened.

My daughter is in Colorado still for the semester. She’ll be there probably through mid-July, then it looks like she’s going to be going back to Europe, this time for a job, which is super exciting. But that means she’s not here, so I have been trying to make her room look like a hotel to the best of my ability, as per the realtor. 

And also outside, if you know me, you know that I’m super into potted plants. I have a ridiculous amount of potted plants, and so I’ve been trying to cull the herd because I realized that the next owner might not want that many potted plants. It’s a little bit ridiculous. So, getting rid of all of the extra dirt that is in those pots and moving those pots and figuring out what to do with the pots and all the little things that take a lot of time to do, right? And then getting rid of furniture, the realtor’s telling me which pieces of furniture I need to get rid of and light bulb shopping to brighten up dark spaces, all the things.

And with all of that, there has been a lot of emotion, of course. So, I’ve been feeling a lot this week, tapping a lot this week, as I normally do. I’m a big tapper anyway, but I’ve really been trying to take extra care of myself and use my tools to help myself process what is there to be processed. And something that I noticed, which is the impetus for the episode of the podcast, and maybe you can relate to this, is that it can be very tempting when you’re having a lot of intense emotion to try to smooth it all over with gratitude.

And so, for me, that would show up like, I should just be grateful that I had this house. I should just be grateful that I’m able to choose a new chapter. I should just be grateful that I live in a body that allows me to do all of this stuff myself, right? Other people have it worse. I should be thankful.

And, I also remember, I did this when Hugo died too. And it was, at least my daughter wasn’t there. At least she wasn’t hurt. She could have been hurt. I’m so grateful that no one else was hurt, right? I’m so grateful that we have the best medical team. I’m so grateful that I got to meet him. At least I had a short amount of time with him.

And so, it’s thoughts like that are why I want to talk about this issue because gratitude is super powerful. I’m not anti-gratitude at all. In fact, I’m very pro-gratitude. But, if we aren’t careful, we can use gratitude as a grief blocker. We can use it as a way to bypass emotions that are asking to be felt.

So that’s what I want to talk about today. Okay? So let’s get into it. Again, not dissing on gratitude. I am a gratitude fan. Gratitude in its healthiest form is helpful. It’s expansive. It feels good. It helps us anchor into the present. It helps us notice what is good around us, which then trains our brain to look for more good. 

So, again, love gratitude when we’re doing it in a way that helps us, that moves us toward what we want. But sometimes what we do, and this happens especially with widows who are high functioning, who are deeply introspective, is that we can weaponize gratitude against ourselves.

And we hear it from other people, right? It sounds like, “At least you had a good marriage, at least you’re young, at least you have your health, at least you got time with them, or you weren’t completely blindsided.” Right? All of these “at least” statements, we hear them. 

And so we hear them from others, but then also we tell them to ourselves sometimes and we start thinking thoughts that are little weapons like, “Shouldn’t I be doing better by now? Shouldn’t I be grateful for what I have? Shouldn’t I be not so focused on what I’ve lost?” It literally hurts my heart to even say some of these things out loud. As I say it, it feels so mean.

But yet, I know that these are the kinds of things that are tempting to believe, and these are the kinds of ways that we can use gratitude in a way that moves us away from what we want instead of toward.

So you can be deeply grateful and still, along with that gratitude, feel angry and sad or lonely, right? Or want what it is that you used to have that you don’t have right now. All of that can coexist. And if you have ever told yourself, “I shouldn’t feel this way because I have so much to be grateful for,” that’s not true gratitude. 

That’s not helpful gratitude. That’s emotional perfectionism. I’m not sure where I heard that term by the way, but I like it. Emotional perfectionism. That’s what it feels like to me. It’s trying to fix or hide something that we’re actually feeling instead of just figuring out how to feel it and make space for it.

So when you’re genuinely grateful, you’re feeling connected to yourself, not disconnected from yourself. You’re feeling connected to yourself. If it feels like pressure, if it feels like something that you’re forcing, then it might be a clue that there’s something else that is there that is asking to be felt that you aren’t giving any attention to.

So, I want to give you three signs, and then you can just decide for yourself, that gratitude might not be helping you in the moment. It’s a sign that you might be using gratitude as a weapon against yourself.

Number one, you’re using it to shut down, escape, or avoid your pain. If you find yourself thinking, “I shouldn’t feel this way,” right? You’re trying to bury what you feel by layering gratitude on top, then that might not be so helpful for you. And I don’t have anything against escaping, avoiding. That’s okay. That’s okay as long as we notice what that is creating for us and we zoom out far enough that we can tell what the net overall impact of that escapism or avoiding is, right? 

We don’t need to feel all of it all the time. We can take breaks. So I’m not saying don’t take breaks. What I’m saying is if you’re using gratitude in such a way that you don’t ever get to feel the other things that are already in your body that need to be felt, that need to move, that need to be processed, not so helpful.

Number two, if it feels like a should and not a relief. Genuine gratitude feels soft. It’s a softening, it’s an opening, it’s easeful. If on the other hand, it feels tight, right? Or you feel obligated or pressured, notice that. Notice that tightness. Notice whether that’s moving you toward what you want or away from it. I’m going to say it’s probably moving you away from it.

Number three, you feel more in your head than connected to your body. I believe that a healthy gratitude practice feels warm, even if sadness is there, it feels warm and good in your body. Now, you might use other words, warm may not be how you experience it, but it’s good, it’s soothing, you like it. That’s for me anyway. And that can exist right alongside sadness, right?

So, if you’re thinking grateful thoughts with your mind, but you’re not feeling connected to your body, you’re thinking gratitude, but you’re not feeling gratitude, then that type of gratitude, that gratitude thinking might actually not be helping you right now.

So, you’re using it to shut down, escape or avoid your pain. It feels like a should, not a relief, or you feel more in your head than connected to your body. These are some signs that you might be using gratitude against yourself. And that doesn’t mean you have to stop being grateful. It just means you need to give yourself permission to feel everything else along with the gratitude that you’re feeling. It’s that we don’t choose gratitude over or in lieu of another emotion that is there asking for our attention.

So, what do we do instead? Practice the both and. I know you’ve heard me talk about this a million times. The and, right? And is one of the most powerful words in grief. But practice the both and. You let gratitude and all the other emotions that you are noticing coexist because you don’t have to choose.

So that might sound like, “I’m grateful for the memories we made, and I still wish we had more.” “I’m grateful for the people who’ve shown up, and I miss the person who’s gone.” “I’m grateful for this new chapter, and I’m still sad about what I’m leaving behind.” “I’m grateful that they lived, and I’m sad that they died.” Right? It’s the both and. We don’t have to choose one or the other.

The goal of life is not to be positive all the time. It is to be a fully alive human, which sometimes means acknowledging that we’re having emotions that don’t feel amazing. This is happening to me all the time, y’all.

So if gratitude hasn’t been helping you feel better, it doesn’t mean that you have to stop being grateful, but it might be a really good time to see how you can let gratitude exist alongside everything else that you’re feeling. It might be a really great time to ask yourself, what other emotions are asking for your attention? 

What other emotions need to be shifting, right? Emotion, energy in motion. We got to let that energy flow and move and do its thing. And if we’re stuffing it down and shoving gratitude on top of it, that other energy, that emotion, it doesn’t get to breathe. It doesn’t get to flow. Not helpful.

So gratitude is beautiful. I do believe this. But it is not a magic fix for the very normal, natural grief that we all experience as humans. Okay? That’s what I have for you this week. Remember, I love you. You’ve got this. Take care and I’ll see you next week. Bye.

If you like what you’ve been hearing on this podcast and want to create a future you can truly get excited about even after the loss of your spouse, I invite you to join my Mom Goes On coaching program. It’s small group coaching just for widowed moms like you where I’ll help you figure out what’s holding you back and give you the tools and support you need so you can move forward with confidence. 

Please don’t settle for a new normal that’s less than what you deserve. Go to coachingwithkrista.com and click Work With Me for details and next steps. I can’t wait to meet you.