Ep #313: Can Widows Be Truly Happy Without Dating Again?

Welcome to The Widowed Mom Podcast, Episode 313: Can Widows Be Truly Happy Without Dating Again?

Welcome to The Widowed Mom Podcast, the only podcast that offers a proven process to help you work through your grief, to grow, evolve, and create a future you can truly look forward to. Here’s your host, Master Certified life coach, grief expert, widow, and mom, Krista St-Germain.

Hey there, welcome to another episode of the podcast. Today I want to explore a question that I know many of you have considered, even if you’ve never said it out loud. Can widows be truly happy without dating again?

Now, I want to clarify what I mean because when most people hear happy, they think of positivity and perkiness and maybe even smiling and laughing all the time. That is not what I’m interested in. That’s not what I’m talking about. And that’s not what I suspect you are interested in either. My real goal here is not surface-level happiness. It’s something deeper. It’s about building a life that feels fulfilling and grounded and genuinely worth living. And that’s what I bet you want too. And I bet you want to know if it’s possible even if you’re the only one in the room.

So, if you’ve ever wondered what it actually takes to enjoy your own company again and how you can really be fulfilled as a widow, this episode is for you.

Before we get into it though, a quick little update on my world. First of all, I’m recording this a little bit late on the day that it’s due. My birthday is tomorrow. 49. Yes, I realize I often forget how old I am. I know I have misspoken on the podcast before about my age, but I will be 49 tomorrow. And you know what I would love for my birthday? 

If you have never left a review on the podcast or if it’s been a while since you’ve left a review on the podcast, would you leave one? Would you leave a review on the podcast? You can just say whatever you want and I would greatly appreciate it. And the more podcast reviews that we get for some reason, for whatever reason, it just helps more people get the podcast in front of them. The podcast gods like it. So I would love that. That would be a great birthday present for me.

Also, my youngest has officially graduated from high school. That happened yesterday. The graduation party got done. Big ordeal, and then we had another dinner, and then we had another thing after graduation ceremony yesterday. Almost got rained out. It was very exciting weather there for a minute, but got to walk across the stage. It is all done. I cannot believe that I don’t have any more high schoolers. They are all out of high school now, which is wild to me.

I also hosted a ladies lunch at my house on Saturday for my neighborhood. So my neighbor across the street is the social chair for my neighborhood, and so I hosted the ladies luncheon. And while it has been a super painful decision, I know it’s the right one, which is that I have decided to sell the house and downsize. 

So, it was perfect timing to host that ladies lunch, to have everyone over and tell them that I would be selling the house, hoping that they would have friends that want to come into this neighborhood. It really is such a beautiful neighborhood.

So now, I will be doing all the work ready to get the house listed in preparation for photos. I’ve been doing a ton of work already, but there’s still more to do. And then hoping that I can sell it quickly and I can find something that I want quickly as well. My initial thought, if I’m being very honest, is that I will never find something that I like as much as I like this house. And I realize that’s probably not a useful thought and maybe I should apply my own tools. 

So, the thought I’m going with is that I’m going to find exactly what I’m looking for. And that’s what I’m going to ask my brain to find, is exactly what I’m looking for. That house is out there and I’m going to find it. So, that’s what’s going on in my world.

Let’s talk about being happy alone. I will also say as a part of just this weird transition in life that I’m in, that I have been spending a lot more time outside in the evenings. The weather here in Kansas has been just beautiful lately, perfect for porch sitting, and I’ve been doing a lot of outdoor projects.

A couple of weeks ago, I had been, I don’t know what I was doing, working outside, probably on mulch. Lord knows I did enough mulching. And I was done with that, and I sat down and I sat on my front porch and there was a storm kind of rolling in. And it was just like that perfect weather to sit there. 

And so I was sitting there and I was watching and I noticed a couple of ducks across the street in the neighbor’s yard, and I was just kind of watching the sky and I was listening to the birds. And I didn’t have any music on or any podcast. It was just me. It was just the sounds and just nature and my neighborhood. And as I sat there, I just kind of had this familiar knowing. It didn’t really feel like an epiphany or a light bulb moment or anything dramatic. It just felt like a, “Oh yeah. I like being with myself. I do.”

It wasn’t new, but I noticed in that moment that I really hadn’t thought that in a long time. Probably because I’d been very busy the past five years focusing on a romantic partnership and building a chapter of my life with someone. And it reminded me of how grateful I was that before I ever started dating again after Hugo died, I made sure that I liked myself. That I liked spending time with myself. I made sure that I loved my life again before I decided to share it with someone. And that felt really important to me.

And so even though my most recent relationship has ended, and I’ve been feeling a whole lot of feelings about it and trying to understand what happened and it’s not been a whole lot of fun. What I’m noticing is that I still really enjoy my own company. All that work I did paid off.

And as women, we’re not taught how to enjoy our own company. On the contrary, we’re taught to be good partners and to find someone to partner with. And we’re sent the message that partnered is superior than being single. From a very young age, most of us were taught directly, indirectly that being partnered is better. That a full life is one that you share with someone. That you’re most valuable when someone chooses you. Even as I say the words, it kind of makes me gaggy a little bit.

But it’s even in the grief space. We hear this in the grief space, right? You’ll find love again. They would want you to be happy with someone new. They would want you to find love again. Which all implies that fulfillment and happiness are found in romantic relationships. And so then when we internalize this, being single can feel like a failure. It can be impossible to imagine that we could actually be happy alone. It’s like something’s gone wrong. And single means alone, alone means lonely, lonely means lacking.

And even if we say we’re independent, we identify as independent. Even if before they died, we liked alone time, there’s often still that little whisper of when are you going to be with someone again? It’s better that way. You’re going to get too old. Don’t wait. These little evidences of our internalized socialization show up in our mind.

And we’ve got our nervous system. Right? It might not feel totally safe in solitude. If you are used to being with your person, and you’re used to that benefit of co-regulating with them, right, maybe they were the grounded one, and in their presence you felt safe and good in your body. And now they’re not here, and they’re not doing that for you. And so you might not be feeling safe in your body. It might be so hard to imagine how you could ever feel good on your own that it would feel like a pipe dream to imagine being truly fulfilled and happy if you’re alone.

So, I really want you to hear, if being alone feels hard, I hear you. You are not broken, there is nothing wrong with you. You are human, you are conditioned, you have been through loss. So, of course, your brain and your body has a response to that. You have been socialized as a woman to believe that partnership is better. So, of course, of course.

And you have probably heard the quote that loneliness is as harmful as smoking a pack of cigarettes a day. Have you heard this? It’s out there. You might have heard this. It comes from a 2010 meta analysis that was led by Dr. Julianne Holt Lunstad. And yes, it is true. 

Chronic loneliness does affect physical health. It affects cardiovascular function, it affects immune response, it even increases mortality rates. But here’s what we miss about that. That research was not about romantic loneliness. That was about social connection and emotional intimacy. You can be partnered and feel deeply alone. You can live alone and feel deeply connected. Both are possible.

And we have assumed that avoiding loneliness means finding a partner, and that is not necessarily what it means. What actually protects us is not marital status or relationship status. It is meaningful connection. Meaningful connection with ourselves and with others. But that doesn’t necessarily mean romance or a partner.

So, what does it look like to be truly fulfilled on your own? Let me also say, it is not about becoming hyper-independent. It’s not about saying, I don’t need anyone. I can do it all myself. It’s not that, which I’m saying that because for a while that’s kind of what I thought it was. We are actually wired for connection as humans. That is not something we can change. It’s not going away.

But fulfillment when we are alone and not partnered, starts with building a steady, loving relationship with yourself. It means enjoying your own company. That might look like making your favorite breakfast on a slow Sunday morning, just for you. Walking your neighborhood after dinner because it feels good to you to move your body and to be out in nature. It might look like sitting on your back deck and holding a cup of warm tea before bed and being fully present with yourself. Have you ever done that? Just held a glass of warm tea and felt that and just noticed it? Feels so good. It’s one of my favorite things to do.

It might look like being outside and listening to the birds and just breathing in everything that feels good to you. Maybe it’s experimenting with new hobbies or creative outlets. Maybe it’s finding those things that you love to get lost in.

Notice that I am not talking about things that are flashy or performative. I am not saying that it has to involve grand adventures, skydiving, big new flashy things. That’s not what I’m saying. It’s also not about proving that you’re okay. Right? It’s not about doing what you’ve learned to think that you should do. It’s about building a quiet internal home. A quiet internal home that you can return to again and again. That’s what I want for you. That’s what’s possible for you.

And this is one of the reasons I didn’t date for three and a half years after Hugo died. It really wasn’t so much fear that kept me from dating, although I did have fear. I was nervous when I decided that I would date. It was more like nervesighted, nervous excited. So it wasn’t fear that kept me from doing it so much. 

It also wasn’t really my worry of other people’s opinions, although people definitely did have opinions. Mostly, I think people wondered why I wasn’t dating yet. Thought that I should be dating when I wasn’t really feeling ready to. It wasn’t about those things. For me, my choice to not date for so long was about being intentional.

I really wanted to be sure that I genuinely loved my life without a partner. I did not want to reach for someone to fill a perceived hole or solve an emotion for me or regulate me or give me a sense of worth. I did not want to reach for someone who would distract me from my grief. I did not want it to be like the missing piece. That’s the book I’m thinking of, The Missing Piece. You know that Shel Silverstein book, The Missing Piece? No, I didn’t want to perceive myself as missing a piece. I wanted to perceive myself as whole and abundant, right, and complete.

And now, after the trauma of this recent breakup, I can feel what that intention built in me. I am so glad that past me didn’t rush into that. The bounce forward that I can feel myself experiencing is coming from a foundation that was solid because I built it. Long before I decided to date, long before anybody else walked into the picture. And my ability to de-personalize his choices is in large part because I know that my worth has nothing to do with them. Because I did that work.

So, if you want another relationship, beautiful. If you know in your bones that you love being partnered and that you really want that for yourself, I love that for you. But don’t rush there out of discomfort. Don’t let your inability to soothe yourself talk you into settling for a relationship that isn’t truly aligned. Don’t let that internalized socialization that being partnered is somehow better, or don’t let that misinterpretation of that study on loneliness mean that somehow you can’t be okay when you’re alone. You can. 

The answer is not in finding someone to distract you from yourself. The answer is in being the kind of company for yourself that you would like your love to be. You deserve to enjoy your own company. You deserve to feel peaceful when you are alone. To feel fulfilled when you are alone. To be alone, but not lonely.

When we can’t be alone with ourselves, and I’m just being honest with you, we tend to chase connection. We overschedule. We people please. We rush into relationships that maybe aren’t the best for us. We silence ourselves. We go along to get along. Avoiding solitude can lead us to abandon ourselves just to avoid feeling abandoned. Isn’t that wild? And that is not peace. That is not what you deserve. You deserve much better than that. You deserve feeling good. Great, honestly, on your own.

I’m not saying that means entirely on your own as in no other humans around to be found. We need community, we need closeness. We are wired to be around others. Right? That is totally different than needing a romantic relationship or a partnership to feel whole. Be around the humans. 

Let’s develop healthy interdependence for sure. Let’s learn to ask for help without making it feel like we’re weak or something about us. Let’s be with others without abandoning ourselves. Let’s receive love because we know how to hold ourselves through hard times. That’s what I’m talking about.

And I’m also not saying that to do this means you will settle. That’s not it. And I’m also not saying that you are saying, I’m totally okay with being alone forever. I want you to feel good with you. I want you to get to a place where when you stop and you pause and you check in with yourself, you notice, damn, I’m amazing. Like I’m pretty awesome to be around. Doesn’t mean you’re perfect. Doesn’t mean you’re better than anybody. 

That just means you know that you’re a valuable human being who’s smart and funny and has a lot to contribute. You know that your peace and your joy and the meaning in your life are not dependent on somebody else being in the room. That’s the kind of fulfillment that I want for you. And that’s what makes future love, if and when you want it, if and when it comes, so much richer.

That’s when you can love from overflow, not emptiness. Right? It’s like an overflowing that comes out of us and we have something to give because we feel so full. It’s not a, are you my mother? Are you my mother? Are you my mother? Like trying to find something to fill a void. It’s not that. It’s not the missing piece. 

It comes from a desire to give instead of just a desire to receive, right? It’s not that. And to me also, I see this as a huge sign of post traumatic growth. This is very much post traumatic growth. Is being comfortable on your own.

So if you want to explore this more deeply, here are some questions that you can journal on or maybe you can just sit with them. What was I taught directly or indirectly about women who are alone? Where am I still tying my value to partnership? What moments of joy have I experienced when no one else was watching or with me? And what kind of life would feel truly fulfilling to me regardless of my relationship status? Spend time with those questions.

If you want help creating that kind of life for yourself, a life where you feel grounded, on purpose, and genuinely connected to yourself, genuinely fulfilled, I want to invite you to apply for Mom Goes On. This is the work we do every week in that program. We help widowed moms build lives that feel like theirs. I promise you do not have to do it alone. I promise you it is possible. 

And I promise you, you do not have to wait for someone to complete you. You are complete and whole and worthy and amazing and wonderful just as you are. Even if you don’t fully believe it yet, I promise that you are. Nothing about you needs to change for you to believe that.

So, you can go to coachingwithkrista.com and click on the Work With Me tab. You’ll learn all about Mom Goes On. You can find the application there. That’s what I have for you this week. Remember, I love you. You’ve got this. Take care and I’ll see you next week. Bye.

If you like what you’ve been hearing on this podcast and want to create a future you can truly get excited about even after the loss of your spouse, I invite you to join my Mom Goes On coaching program. It’s small group coaching just for widowed moms like you where I’ll help you figure out what’s holding you back and give you the tools and support you need so you can move forward with confidence. 

Please don’t settle for a new normal that’s less than what you deserve. Go to coachingwithkrista.com and click Work With Me for details and next steps. I can’t wait to meet you.