Welcome to The Widowed Mom Podcast, episode 30, Making Decisions By Yourself.
Welcome to The Widowed Mom Podcast, the only podcast that offers a proven process to help you work through your grief to grow, evolve, and create a future you can actually look forward to. Here’s your host, certified life coach, grief expert, widow, and mom, Krista St-Germain.
Hey there, Welcome back to another episode of the podcast. It is almost Christmas, if you celebrate Christmas, or Hanukkah, if you celebrate Hanukkah. It is that time of year, everybody. I’m kind of excited about it, actually.
I also want to tell you, before we start talking about decision-making, did you know, it’s the end of the decade? This just kind of snuck up on me a little bit. I know people have been posting on Facebook all of these, “Me in 2009 and me in 2019,” pictures and I haven’t jumped on that bandwagon yet, but the decade is coming to an end.
That means that we are about to start a new decade. I don’t know why that just seems crazy to me. I think it’s because my life changed so much in the last decade. So, let’s see, I had to do the math there for a second, because I’m 43 and the memory is apparently slipping.
But within that amount of time, so I got divorced, I got remarried to the love of my life, the man I didn’t think existed, and then he died and that started this whole whirlwind of grief. I became a life coach. I quite my secure well-paying job – well, I thought it was secure, but no job ever really is, and completely changed my whole life since 2009.
That’s crazy, to think about what’s happened in that amount of time, but here’s what is even more fascinating is when I think, if that’s what happened in the last 10 years, what could happen in the next 10 years? And I’m hoping that you’re kind of thinking about that too.
And I hope that, when you’re thinking about it, you aren’t thinking about it in a resigned worried defeated deflated kind of way. I hope you’re starting to let your mind open up to possibility. I hope you’re starting to think about what you want in the next decade how amazing it could be, what you could experience, how much in love with your life you could be, even if you aren’t now, even if you don’t know how, even if you don’t know what you’re dreaming about because maybe you think that you don’t know what’s important to you anymore.
No matter where you are, I just hope that you will start to play in possibility a little bit. And I want to invite you, if you are playing in possibility or if you wish you were, to come on and apply for my Mom Goes On coaching program. It is the most amazing program. I am so proud of it. I am so proud of the women who are in it.
You guys, they are doing the work and their lives are changing because they are changing their lives. I notice, sometimes, we like to give the teacher or the coach credit for our results, but these women are owning it and you can too. There’s nothing to stop you from getting what you want except you. None of those excuses that are in your brain can ever hold up to how powerful you are when you learn how to get out of your own way.
So, if you’re thinking about the decade that is coming up and you’re wanting something different for yourself, you’re wanting to fall in love with your life again, then it’s time. It’s time for us to talk. So you can head on over to my website, coachingwithkrista.com, click request a consultation and apply, and we’ll see if it’s a good fit for you and we’ll talk about it, you and me.
Alright, let’s jump into the episode, because I know we struggle with decisions, so we’re going to talk about it. Here’s what’s happening. Most of us were very used to making decisions with our person. And now that our person is gone, we’re in uncharted territory.
And we used to have him to bounce ideas off of and get perspective on things. We had late night pillow talk about whatever had happened during the day and what was coming up. We made decisions together. And now, we’re running the show solo. And we may not have even realized how dependent we were on his feedback, until we didn’t have it anymore.
And if you throw in the added stressor of grief and the physical and the hormonal impacts, potential for challenging sleep patterns, an overactive sympathetic nervous system, widow fog, solo parenting, grieving parenting, at the same time, even if your kids are grown, one income instead of two, all the added responsibilities, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, you might feel like a passenger on the hot mess express, right?
You might feel completely overwhelmed with the amount of decisions that are in front of you and full of doubt about whether or not you have been making good decisions, whether or not you have the ability to make good decisions, how to make all these decisions. So that’s what I want to talk to you about today is how to make decisions by yourself.
And not just regular decisions. I want to teach you how to make powerful decisions. Because there’s no reason that you can’t, and if you never learned this skill before, then there’s no better time than now. So let’s do it.
First – and this might have you shaking your head in disbelief, so stick with me – decisions aren’t right or wrong. Decisions just are. Think about it. If there were such a thing as an objective right or wrong decision, then everyone would agree all the time on decisions. But they don’t.
I bet you’ve made decisions about your children that you believed to be right but they thought to be wrong. Who’s correct? You think you’re right, your child think’s they’re right, so who’s right? See what I’m saying? It’s subjective. It’s subjective opinion. Decisions aren’t right, decisions aren’t wrong, decisions just are.
You’ve probably made decisions about how to honor the memory of your husband and not everyone may have agreed with you or likes your choices. Does that make them right and you wrong? No. It just means that right and wrong is subjective. Right and wrong is determined by the individual. It’s subject to interpretation.
You may decide that you’re spending the holidays in a particular way this year. Maybe it’s different than what you’ve done in other years. Maybe it’s different than what your family wants you to do. Is that right? Is that wrong? Some will think it’s right; some will think it’s wrong. It’s just a matter of opinion.
Right or wrong decisions have nothing to do with evidence, with data, with facts. We think they do, but they don’t. And if we want to learn to make powerful decisions, we have to understand this. If there was an objective way to always make a right decision, then we could just document the process and follow it. But there isn’t and we can’t.
And this might sound like bad news, but I promise you, it isn’t because if decisions aren’t objectively right or wrong, then we can decide even after the fact, even if some people don’t agree, that we made the best “The right” decision for us. We get to be the boss of whether a decision is right or wrong.
Just to give you an example from my own life, when I had discovered life coaching, it was shortly after my therapist told me I should become a therapist. And I kind of struggled with that decision for a while. I thought, okay, I’ll go to therapy school. I enrolled; I was accepted. I had a prerequisite I needed to finish and I thought, you know, two years, master’s degree, that seems like a fairly safe path.
And then I had such a transformative coaching experience. And I started, “Well, maybe I’ll just do coaching on the side.” And then, “Well, I kind of like coaching better than therapy. It’s so much more powerful for me. But I have to make the right decision.” That’s what I kept telling myself. I need to make the right decision or I might make the wrong decision.
And finally, what I figured out was there is no such thing, except in my mind. So I can just make a decision and then decide it was the right decision for me, no matter if anybody agreed with me. And most people thought I was completely bonkers, I’m sure. The didn’t really say it to my face. I think they were proud of me for doing something I wanted to do, but I think most people didn’t think that I could make a living at it or they didn’t quite understand why I would be turning away a really nice corporate job that I’d been in for a long time.
But even in the presence of differing opinions, even in the presence of, you know, no money initially, I just could decide that I made the right decision. I could decide what my reasons were for making that decision and I could just like the decision that I had made. And it was kind of a big moment when I truly let that sink in that nobody else got to decide what was right or wrong because it didn’t objectively exist and I could stop worrying about, “Will I make the right decision? I might make the wrong decision.”
It just isn’t a thing outside of our brains. Good news, right? And what’s so fascinating about making a decision is that, really, the worst thing that can happen after you’ve made a decision is that you’re going to have a feeling. Seriously, the worst thing that can happen after you make a decision is that you’re going to have a feeling.
And so if you’re all in on feelings, if you’re willing to feel emotions – and remember, by the way, that we create emotions with our thinking – if we’re willing to feel the worst feeling, which for most of us is probably embarrassment, maybe foolish, ashamed, if we’re willing to feel that and we believe in our ability to handle any emotion, then letting one flow through you isn’t really that big of a deal.
Plus, truly, and this is for real, if we’re the ones creating the feelings with our thinking, meaning that feelings only happen to us when we have a thought that creates them, the story we tell ourselves about the decision we made, will be the only reason we feel the way we feel. So we actually get to determine how we feel based on how we choose to think, no matter what. We can always choose to think that we made the best decision for us that we could at the time.
We can always have our own back there. And you might be thinking, “Yeah, well, Krista, that’s fine. I might be able to control what I think, but I certainly can’t control what others think, what about that, huh?” I hear you. I used to think that. But to that, I say you’re right. We can’t control what others think about the decisions we make.
But we don’t have to because what other people think about our decisions just determines how they feel. Emotions are not contagious. Someone can be very mad at us and we don’t feel their anger. They do. We still get to think and feel whatever we want, regardless of their opinion.
So, if we’re really being honest, if you’re worried about what other people think then you’re just confused because when you’re worried about what someone else is going to think, what you’re really worried about is that you will agree with them. If you move to a new city and other people think you’ve made a mistake but you don’t think you’ve made a mistake, then it’s not a problem.
If you’re worried that you’re going to move to a new city and other people will think that you’ve made a mistake, and you might agree with them that you’ve made a mistake, that’s when we get worried. It’s never really what other people think that’s the problem; it’s what we think about what they think.
And if we’re good with the decision that we’ve made, if we like our reasons for the decisions that we’ve made, if we choose to believe that the decision we have made is the right decision for us, then that’s good enough. And we don’t need other people to agree with us. We can let them think differently because they probably will anyway, right?
But when we’re solid in a decision that we’ve made, then we don’t have to worry about whether they agree with us, because if they don’t, we won’t be agreeing with them. And they can feel the emotions that they create for themselves with their own thinking.
And we don’t have to say mean things to ourselves after a decision has been made. Even if other people agree with the decisions we’ve made, sometimes the problem isn’t that we’re worried about what other people will say or think or feel. It’s that we’re worried about saying mean things to ourselves. And we don’t have to do that.
We can decide to have our own back. We can decide to treat ourselves like we would treat a good friend, no matter what decision we make. I think, if we just decide generally speaking that we will consciously choose to speak to ourselves like we would speak to a good friend, we’re going to be ahead of the game.
And maybe you have one of those ruthless inner critics – a lot of people do. I have a lot of clients that really struggle with this, just really mean girl inside of them, the mean girl voice. And I always want to recommend that we work toward a compassionate relationship with that critical voice, with that inner critic, with that inner mean girl and we kind of figure out, what is it that she wants?
Because I think it’s possible – I think it’s actually probable – that she’s just misguided in her efforts to protect us. It’s just a version of us who thinks that her criticism is helpful. She’s just misguided; well-intended but misguided. And sometimes, when we can extend some compassion to that voice, we can ask ourselves what does it want, and then decide, it just wants to protect me.
Then when we notice that critic, we can kind of have a dialogue with her that says, “Hey, I hear you, I love you, I get it, you just want to keep me safe. You just think that we need to be really stressed about this decision and we need to worry about it a lot, and we need to really let it occupy our bran space because if we don’t, maybe we’re going to make the wrong decision. I know, you think it’s possible that we can make the wrong decision, and I hear you, it’s okay. Your opinion is noted. And listen, I’ve got this one.”
Sometimes people spend a lot of effort trying to get rid of the inner critic, get rid of that voice. I don’t think that’s particularly useful. I think what’s more useful is just recognizing the difference between that kind of urgent or maybe harsh or demanding voice, recognizing that toe, and seeing that, as that part of ourselves that is the inner critic, the inner mean girl, and just noticing it and noticing the difference between how that voice sounds in our mind compared to the calm, wise, still voice that is the part of us that really knows the answer, the part of us that doesn’t make decisions with like an urgency or fear or lack or limitation, but that part of us that is wise and abundant ad calm and loving and compassionate.
And being able to just tell the difference and tell the demanding voice, “Hey, I hear you, it’s okay, you’re just trying to keep me safe, but I got this one.” And listen to that part of yourself that is the deep knowing.
So, where are we so far? Decisions aren’t right or wrong. They just are. The worst thing that can happen after you make a decision is that you have a feeling. And, P.S, we get to create our feelings with our thinking. What we’re really worried about isn’t what other people think. It’s tat we’ll agree with them or that we’re going to say mean things to ourselves.
Now, I know sometimes we want to ask for the opinions of others. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Ask other people their opinions. Ask experts if you like. Do research if you want. But what is problematic is when we tell ourselves that we don’t know enough. Because, when you say that to yourself, “I don’t know enough,” or even, “I don’t know,” you create confusion and doubt.
So, if you notice this in your brain – and I notice it regularly in mine and I’ve done a lot of work in this area. I still notice that sentence, “I don’t know,” all the time. Don’t know or I don’t know the answer or I don’t know enough, I notice it all the tie. And what I have learned to say to myself is something along the lines of, “I’m figuring it out. I know enough to figure this out.”
I love Marie Forleo’s – you know, she’s got a very popular book out right ow called Everything is Figureoutable. She kind of coined that phrase. That’s a wonderful thing to tell yourself, everything is figureoutable. Another one of my favorites is the Australian version of that phrase, Grace Lever, who is an online business expert that I follow who’s Australian, her version of that is, “Everything is workoutable.”
So, pick something to tell yourself that isn’t that you don’t know, that isn’t that you don’t know enough and that helps you in those moments when you’re inclined to spin around in confusion and doubt and be unproductive and second guess yourself. And instead of saying, I don’t know or I don’t know enough, start telling yourself, “I’m figuring it out. I know enough to figure this out.” Or everything is figureoutable or everything is workoutable. We learn be doing. “I learn by doing,” is another good one.
Okay, so, stop telling yourself you don’t know enough. Also, when we make a decision, we want to know why we’re making it. Don’t make a decision because you think the decision you make is going to make you feel better. If you think you will feel better depending on the decision you make, you might be in for a rude awakening. I see this a lot. I’ll give you some examples.
If you’re questioning whether you should quit your job because you think your boss makes you feel inadequate or you think you need to be in a different city because your current city makes you sad, or a different house because your current house makes you sad, or a different relationship because the absence of a relationship makes you lonely, any of those things, you might be very disappointed when you decide to change the job, change the boss, get in a relationship.
Now, if you do end up feeling better, I am all for it. So I’m not going to say that changing those things is necessarily good or bad. But what often happens is that we don’t really understand why we’re feeling inadequate around our boss in the first place. We think it’s the boss. We don’t understand that it isn’t the boss’s behavior, it isn’t what the boss says or what the boss does. It’s our story about what we’re making her behavior mean.
When we don’t understand that, yes, maybe she has some positional authority, but she doesn’t have any emotional authority, we’re giving her power over us. And we don’t know we’re doing it. That’s problematic. We delegate that sense of self-belief to a boss. We delegate our belief in our own adequacy without knowing that we’re doing it, without meaning to do it, and we create those feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy without knowing that we’re doing it, and our thoughts are the source of the problem.
So if we then get a new boss, we make a decision to get a new boss because we think it’s going to make us feel better, but guess what, we go to the next job, we don’t take our old boss, but we do take our brain. We might have the same thoughts about the next boss. For certain, we’re likely, if we don’t understand that our boss isn’t in charge of our emotions, we might be delegating our emotional lives to the behaviors of our boss, to our boss’s opinions.
And then we continue to blame someone outside of ourselves for that sense of inadequacy that we feel. And the same thing can happen when we move cities or when we move houses or when we get in new relationships.
We might think that the change of scenery will do the trick, but what really happens isn’t ever up to the scenery or the new city or the new house or the new relationship. It’s always a product of our thinking. And we take our brain with us into any new situation. The situation by itself is never the problem, so changing the situation isn’t necessarily the solution.
Unless we learn to think differently, we won’t find the relief that we’re looking for in any decision. So I’m not saying don’t make changes. I’m saying understand why you want to make a decision, and remind yourself that your emotional state doesn’t depend on any decision that you make. It doesn’t control your feelings.
Whatever you decide, whatever’s currently going on isn’t so powerful that it can control your feelings because you are the boss of those. So I want you to make decisions because it’s what you prefer. I want you to make decisions because it’s what you think is best for you. I want you to make decisions because you’re a human on the planet with agency, because you can, because it’s the next life experience that you ant to have, not because you think it’s the answer to an emotional problem.
It never will be because our emotions are caused by our thoughts and never our decisions. So ask yourself, whatever this decision is that you want to make, “Am I making it because I think that I’m only going to feel better in making it?” I don’t want you to be disappointed on the other side of that.
Another thing I’d like to suggest is that you really tune into your body before you make a decision. Use your body as kind of the barometer. What’s the emotional state in your body when you’re making a decision? Are you making it from fear? Are you making it from anger? Are you making it from vengeance? Are you making it from insecurity?
I’m sure you’ve been told not to reply to an email when you’re angry. This is good advice. Bu, howdy, I have saved myself some trouble by just taking some breaths and coaching myself before hitting reply to some emails in my lifetime.
So this is good advice because when our emotions are high our intelligence is low. It’s really true. And we don’t really think as clearly or make as good of decisions when we are high in negative emotion. So, if you notice you’re about to make a decision and you’re doing it from a “Negative” emotion, slow your roll. Slow down a little bit.
Get yourself in a different emotion state, if you can, before you make that decision. Love is always my favorite. Sometimes it’s difficult to access, though, especially if you’ve been in fear, it’s kind of hard to go from one to another. But sometimes I will imagine, what would the most loving version of me do here? The version of me who loves herself who loves everyone in the situation, what would that version of me do? And kind of channel some of that inner wisdom.
Because I don’t think love ever really steers us wrong, if we make decisions from love, they’re usually decisions we end up being happy with in the long-term. And contrary to what some people think, I don’t think that love turns us into doormats either.
If we’re making decisions from love – and I now this is especially true when I think about parenting, but if I’m making decisions from love for my children, then sometimes the answer is no. Sometimes the answer is I love you and no. Whereas if I’m making the decision from let’s say self-doubt, then I’m way more apt to give into something that I don’t really think is in their best interest in the long run because I’m feeling inadequate. If I’m making a decision from fear as I’m parenting, then I’m way more likely to do something that really isn’t in my long-term best judgment.
Maybe I’m worried about what they’ll think of me as a parent or what someone else will think of me as a parent, so I’m in fear, or I’m worried that they’ve already been through so much and I’m feeling guilty. And so when I make decisions from those places, they might have me feeling less guilty in the moment, but in the long-term they aren’t ever decisions that I’m very proud of.
And I can always go back and trace what was the emotion I was feeling when I made that decision. And the best decisions we make don’t come from fear or inadequacy or self-doubt or any of those stereotypical negative emotions. For the most part, they come from calm, wise, love, patient, abundant.
So tun into your body. Use it as the barometer. Try to get your emotional state in the most useful place possible. And just like you wouldn’t send an email when you’re angry, try to make decisions when you are in the best possible emotional state.
Also, making powerful decisions doesn’t take a lot of time. Don’t spend a lot of time making decisions. I have learned this so much lately. Because really, what’s happening when we’re spinning around and thinking of decisions and thinking about options and catastrophizing, we are just running scenarios and wasting or brain space.
We’re not really learning anything when we’re doing all of that spinning in confusion. We’re just kind of taking time, feeling miserable. And first it’s spinning, and then it turns into worrying, and then it turns into catastrophizing, and all of that stuff in the moment seems like it’s somehow useful or beneficial, but it just really never is, plus it’s just not very fun.
It takes our energy away from things that we want to do and frankly we learn so much by doing. So do research if you want, gather information if you need to, but decide how much time you’re going to spend on that and then stick to that. Give yourself a certain amount of time and then make a decision, because you’re going to learn something and then you’re going to get more information and then, when you get new information, you’re going to make new decisions.
You’re going to iterate. And manufacturing, which I spent a lot of my life in, we used to use the phrase, plan, do, check, act. If you’ve been in a lean manufacturing organization or six sigma or any of that, then you have some version of this.
You make a plan, you do something, you check to see if it worked, you get the new information when you check, and then you act again. And the goal is just to iterate as quickly as possible.
There was a fun game that was called the marshmallow challenge. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of it, but I’ll tell you about it quickly because it illustrates the point so well. The idea is that you put them in small groups and you give them a set amount of time and you give them some supplies.
You give them some tape and some uncooked spaghetti noodles and a marshmallow and that’s about it. And they have, I don’t know, a few minutes to build the tallest free-standing spaghetti structure they can build with the marshmallow on top.
And research shows that the people who are best at this challenge aren’t the business executives. They’re actually not so great. They’re not people with MBAs, they’re not anybody you would actually think. They’re kindergarteners.
Kindergarteners are the most successful wen it comes to this challenge. And the reason is that kindergarteners are very much about exploring and experimenting. And one of the first things they do is they put the marshmallow on top of the spaghetti and they test how heavy it is. They don’t mess around with a whole lot of planning and drawing and jockeying for power and position and negotiating whose plan is better than what.
They just start putting stuff together. They just start putting the marshmallow on the spaghetti and seeing how it feels and what it’s like, and they learn by doing, compared to the executives, the college graduates, all of the business people, who spend so much time formulating these massive plans.
They plan and plan and plan and plan, and then finally they start assembling. And then, at the very last minute when they’re almost out of time, they stick the marshmallow on top of the spaghetti only to find out that it’s way heavier than they thought and their structures will fall down.
So, some of us grew up in environments like that, where we were taught that we need to have a plan and it needs to be about flawless execution and we just need to plan and research and think and then we will come up with the information we need to make the decision. This isn’t necessarily true. I want you to challenge that. Do a little planning, do enough research, but then give yourself a time limit. Make a decision. And trust that more information is coming.
We learn by doing. You will learn something, and then you can make another decision if needed. My mentor and coach, Brooke Castillo, has this in her house and she taught it to me, which is this philosophy, it’s so simple, that she says, we’re either winning or learning. So simple.
There are only two options; winning or learning. What if you adopted that philosophy? What if you just decided that no matter what happens to me in my life, no matter what decision I make, I’m either winning or I’m learning? You don’t even have to include all the drama of a bad decision. We can just say, “Yeah, I wasn’t winning but I’m going to learn,” and carry on.
I want to close with one more thing, which is a story. It’s a Taoist story. And I think it illustrates this idea that I know I have struggled with and maybe you’re struggling with it too, which is that I always want to believe that I know what’s best; that I know what’s best for myself, that I know what’s best for other people, especially my children, gosh, I always seem to think I know what’s best for them.
And the truth, as I see it, is that we think we know what is best for ourselves and what is best for others. But ultimately, we really don’t. And so his story is called Maybe, and it goes like this.
The story is about an old farmer who’d worked his crops for many years. One day, his horse ran away. And upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. “Such bad luck,” they said sympathetically. “Maybe,” the farmer replied.
The next morning, the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. “How wonderful,” the neighbors exclaimed. “Maybe,” replied the old man.
The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune. “Maybe,” answered the farmer.
The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men int the army. Seeing that the son’s leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out. “Maybe,” said the farmer.
So, that story, I think, so beautifully illustrate this. We think we know we want to know. We like the idea that it’s possible to know that we could control the outcome. But how much more ease might we create for ourselves if we were just able to surrender to the not knowing, relax a bit?
If we were to allow ourselves to just make the best decision with what we know at the time and release ourselves from the outcome. A totally different experience, right?
Who would have ever said that losing my husband would have been anything other than awful? No one. But yet, here I am, feeling more fulfilled than I’ve ever felt, ore self-aware, more resilient, more connected to my purpose, truly serving the world in a more powerful way than I’ve ever done before.
I never would have bet money on this outcome. I never would have said, “Congratulations.” And yet, here I am. Here I am. And if it’s possible for me, then I’m 100% certain it’s possible for you, that or better.
Okay, in conclusion, decisions aren’t right or wrong, they just are. The worst thing that can happen after you make a decision is that you have a feeling, which you actually cause with your thinking. If you’re willing to feel any feeling, doesn’t really matter.
If you’re worried about what other people think, then you’re confused because what you’re really worried about is that you’ll agree with them. What you’re really afraid of is that you’ll say mean things to yourself, and you don’t have to do that. You can decide to have your own back with whatever decision you make.
Stop telling yourself you don’t know enough, because when you say that to yourself, you just create confusion and doubt. And don’t make a decision because you think it’s going to make you feel better. It never will because your emotions are caused by your thoughts and never the outc9omes of your decisions.
Before you make decisions, tune into your body. What would the most loving version of you do here? And don’t spend a lot of time making decisions. We learn much more by doing than by spinning and second guessing ourselves.
And we think we know what is best for ourselves and what is best for others, but ultimately, we should question that. Relax, decide that it will all turn out fine. It’s always our choice to decide that we’re going to do the best that we can with what we know, and of that’s true now, then it can be true in every moment going forward. We just have to choose that for ourselves. And in choosing that, we can create peace instead of worry.
Alright, go practice making powerful decisions this week and report back to me, okay. Remember, I love you, you’ve got this, and I’ll see you next week. Take care.
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