Ep #346: Am I Ready to Love Again? Four Myths Widows Believe About Dating

Welcome to The Widowed Mom Podcast, Episode 346: Am I Ready to Love Again? Four Myths Widows Believe About Dating.

Welcome to The Widowed Mom Podcast, the only podcast that offers a proven process to help you work through your grief, to grow, evolve, and create a future you can truly look forward to. Here’s your host, Master Certified life coach, grief expert, widow, and mom, Krista St-Germain.

Hey there, welcome to another episode of the podcast. Today I want to talk about a question I hear all the time. And it might be quietly lingering in the back of your mind whether you’ve said it out loud yet or not, which is, am I ready to love again?

It’s a question that can stir up so many emotions for widows: guilt, confusion, hope, shame, fear, repulsion, sometimes all at once. So, in today’s episode, I want to help you explore this question with curiosity, not pressure, and with some compassion and not judgment. We’ll look at four common myths about love after loss, what readiness might actually look like for you, and how you can begin to answer this question in a way that feels aligned with who you want to be in this next chapter of your life.

First, a little update from my world. I’m recording this the day after my holiday break, so I’m not quite back in the groove yet. I actually almost forgot to do it. I was carrying on about my day and about to shut down and I went, oh, I haven’t done the podcast for next week. So, I’m back. I’m in it. Here we go. Holidays were amazing, fairly calm, all things considered. My daughter’s home from Argentina again. It was the first holiday that we’ve had, winter holiday, that we’ve had in my new house.

And also, relative to this episode, I am dating again. I will have more to say about that in future episodes, but right now, I’m going to keep the details a little bit close. But this episode feels really timely for me because it’s something that I recently considered. So, Hugo died nearly 10 years ago, August 1st, 2016. It took me several years before I decided that I wanted to date again, and then I did, got into another relationship. Fast forward five years, and last spring that relationship ended. And it ended in a way that wasn’t super fun, and I’ll leave it at that. But it was not particularly enjoyable. I did not imagine that it was going to go down the way that it did. And it hurt quite a lot. And then there were a lot of logistics to deal with and get out of the house that I was in and uncouple, get into a new house. It was just a lot.

So I just recently went through this process of deciding, am I ready for this again? Do I want this again? And so it’s fresh off of my mind, it’s fresh in my heart. And I hope this episode is going to be helpful for you.

Also, before I get into it, I want to be very clear, in my opinion, that I do not believe that being in a partnered relationship is in any way superior to not being in a partnered relationship. Nor do I believe that a partnered relationship is the way to be happy again after loss. In fact, quite the opposite. I believe that if we want to date again, and it’s absolutely okay if we don’t now or don’t ever, then it’s wise to figure out how to love life again before dating. Figure out who am I now? What do I like? What is it that makes me tick? Can I be happy on my own?

If we approach dating from the perspective as Shel Silverstein’s “The Missing Piece” offers us, that there’s something missing and we need something outside of us to fill a void, that’s just a recipe for misery and disaster. You might have also listened to last week’s episode where I interviewed the creator of Thrive Solo, who very much talked about, you can love life and be solo. You do not have to be in a partnered relationship. And I firmly believe that.

So, I never have an agenda about dating again. I think sometimes even we get feedback from people who are considering joining Mom Goes On, and they think that’s going to be a part of it, that you have to date again. Not at all. If you want to date again, I am all about supporting you in figuring that out for yourself. But happiness doesn’t come from being in a partnered relationship. It comes from what’s going on inside of you, and that’s worth paying attention to.

So, four myths about being ready for love. I’m going to go through those four myths and then I’m going to give you some ideas of what I think readiness looks like, so you can consider what readiness looks like for you. There are so many unhelpful messages about what it means to be ready, and so many unhelpful myths about love after loss and how to know if you’re ready. And it’s just, there’s a lot of nonsense out there.

So, let’s start with breaking four of those down. These are the ones I see a lot. So, myth number one is that if I’m still sad about my person’s death, that means I’m not ready to be in another relationship. Come on. Do you think there’s ever going to be a point, if you really truly loved this person, where you don’t have some sadness about their death? This is such an unfair expectation that we are taught and have of ourselves. Feeling sad does not mean that you aren’t ready. Feeling sad means you are a human who lost her person. It means you loved deeply, and you can 100% still feel grief and be open to another connection. In fact, I really want to encourage you to plan for both. Plan for the and. Even if and when you date again, and you find that connection, and you experience joy, there will be moments where you still have sadness around your person’s death. And lots of other emotions besides sadness. It is universal for the women that I have worked with. It has absolutely been my experience too.

And so when we get in this idea that it’s either or, one or the other, happiness or sadness, joy or despair, we are setting ourselves up for an experience that is not human. We are not robots. We don’t live in one or the other. We live in and. So, you get to decide when you’re ready, right? And I would highly encourage you to not make such an unachievable standard, like if I’m still sad about my person’s death, I’m not ready.

Myth number two. I hear this one a lot too. If I want love, that means I didn’t love my person enough. We make our desire to be in a new relationship mean something about our love for our person. Absolutely not. You can love your partner deeply and still want to love again. The desire that you might have to be in another relationship has nothing to do with your past. It simply acknowledges that you’re still alive. You’re still human. Connection still matters to you. You still want a relationship. That’s still important to you. They are not in conflict. Wanting a new relationship means zero about the last one, unless you decide that it does. You always get to be in charge of what you decide to believe.

I like to think about it like having a child. If you have more than one child, you know that having another child did not somehow make you love your first child less. There’s plenty of love. Love is not a finite resource. So, wanting love does not mean that you didn’t love your person enough. And it doesn’t mean that you’re dishonoring them or being disrespectful. It just means you’re human. And it’s what many humans want is to be in relationships.

Myth number three: it’s too soon for me to love again. Or, it’s been too long. And here’s what I want you to know. There is no timeline. Time does not determine readiness. You determine readiness. You get to decide when you’re ready. You are the expert on you. No one else. If you poll half of your friends, they will say it’s too soon. If you poll the other half of your friends, they will say you should have already started. So, this is not a question and an answer that lives outside of you. This is a question that you get to answer for yourself. It is not too soon, it is not too late. There is no timeline. You are the one who decides when you are ready.

Myth number four: I need to know what I want in order to date again. Says who? No, ma’am. You can absolutely use dating to find out what you want. Why not? Who says that you have to know what you want before you date? I think you just be honest about that. You’re not leading someone on if you say, “I am looking to learn about what I am wanting. I am figuring this out as I go.” Right? If you don’t say you’re looking for something long-term, if that’s not what you’re looking for yet. Maybe you’re just looking to have some fun. Maybe you’re just looking to rip off the emotional band-aid and get through the challenge of dating again. Maybe you’re just looking to have the first cry about the idea that it’s harder than you thought it would be, or whatever it is that comes up for you emotionally. So, you don’t have to know what you want to date. You can absolutely use dating as a way to learn about who you are and what you want. Why we put these standards on ourselves. We make life so much harder for ourselves than we need to.

And I don’t say this from a preachy place that says I’ve got it all figured out or didn’t do any of this, by the way. I’m still figuring it out and a lot of this I have struggled my way through as well. So, learn from my mistakes, do it differently and more effectively than me.

Those are the four myths that I see a lot. Here’s what I think readiness might look like for you. It’s different for everyone, but here’s what it might look like. Readiness might look like, and hopefully does, believing that you are whole and wonderful as is. Believing that there is no missing piece that you must find to prove your worthiness or lovability. Being in a relationship will not be the reason you love your life. It will not be the reason you don’t love your life. You and what’s going inside on inside of you will be that reason. But there is nothing missing about you. You are whole and amazing and wonderful as is. If you don’t believe that right now, that’s work worth doing.

Another good sign of readiness is that you are willing to feel uncomfortable emotions without using them as a reason to stop. Being in a new relationship will bring stuff up for you. And maybe it’ll be similar in some ways to other relationships you’ve been in, but for most widows, it brings up lots of layers of things that are related to their person’s death or their person’s life or their relationship with their person, secondary losses, things that you just can’t anticipate now that will come up for you. Things that surprise you. This is what I hear all the time, and it’s happened to me too.

So, being ready means can I be willing to feel what is not fun to feel and not use that as a reason to quit? Right? Use it as a green light. I like to think of it as a green light, right? Unless you’re actually in physical danger, if you want to grow as a human, then uncomfortable emotions are a green light. Uncomfortable emotions are the opportunity to grow. But if we’re not ready for them, and there’s no judgment if we’re not, but if we’re not ready for that, then why put yourself through that? Right? Why put yourself through that if you’re not really ready for it, if you don’t feel resourced for it, if you don’t feel interested in doing it, if it feels just like, “Ugh, I don’t want to. I’m mad that I’m here.” I would say that’s the sign that it’s not the right choice for you.

This is a big one for me, this next one. Readiness might look like trusting yourself to say no if something doesn’t feel right. It might not be the thing that you think about when you think about dating again, self-trust. But it is pivotal, I think. And I have done a whole lot of work here personally. A lot of times what I hear from people is, well, I’m not sure I can trust other people. I’m not sure I can trust the people that I would be dating. Maybe they’ve also experienced some betrayal or, you know, they just look around at the landscape of dating and, how do I navigate that when it seems like there’s a lot of ick out there and a lot of untrustworthy people?

And what I think about that is that I get it, first of all. And the answer isn’t in figuring out who to trust. The answer isn’t deciding that you have to be able to trust other people as much as it is believing that you can trust yourself. You don’t need to trust that you won’t find red flags because you 100% will. But you do need to be able to trust that when you see the red flags, which you will, that you will take action accordingly, that you will recognize the knowing that is a red flag and a big enough one that you’re paying attention to it and you will take action accordingly.

This is one of the biggest lessons that I learned from my last relationship, which I am absolutely endeavoring not to repeat again. Which is that a part of me knew that it wasn’t right for me. A part of me knew. My body said, “not quite.” Not quite is what my body said. But I didn’t listen to my body. I couldn’t find a logical reason. My brain couldn’t find a logical reason to make the not quite make sense.

So I just told myself, nobody’s Hugo. You can’t expect that. That’s true, right? No one will be your late partner because there was only one of them and there was only one of Hugo. That’s just, that’s absolutely true. And that is not a good reason to ignore a knowing. That is not a good reason to lower your standards. That is not a good reason to not trust something that a part of you knows. So, to what extent do you trust yourself to say no if something doesn’t feel right? That is really important. If you don’t trust yourself to say no, let’s do some work on that. Let’s do some work on that.

Readiness might also look like wanting connection not to cover up something or escape something that you don’t like, but because you want to create something new that you do like. So, are you trying to get away from a feeling of loneliness because you don’t believe you can handle it? And you believe that a relationship will solve that problem for you? I would way rather that we first dig into how we can enjoy our own company such that being with ourselves is actually enjoyable. If you don’t, you’re going to look to the other person as a solution to your emotional experiences. You’re going to give them way too much power. And at a point, if and when the honeymoon wears off, which it always does, we know this. I don’t say that to be a pessimist. I just say that to be real, right?

Early attraction doesn’t last forever. So at a certain point, the honeymoon does wear off. Guess what you’re left with? The same thoughts that you have right now about who you are that cause you to feel the way that you do about your own company are going to be there. We might suppress them, cover them up, hide them a little bit with the infatuation of a new relationship. But if you have a lot of thoughts about yourself that aren’t very kind, then those are still going to go into that new relationship and that new dating experience with you.

And since everything that you believe about yourself is absolutely changeable, which is why I love coaching so much, one of many reasons, I would suggest that you use this time in your life to change those beliefs so that you feel amazing whether you are solo or whether you are partnered. You deserve to feel amazing. And the only thing that prevents you from feeling amazing is some thoughts in your mind that you picked up like bad pennies. And those are changeable. So if we’re looking to another person to solve our emotional stuff or solve our confidence issues, it is a recipe for disappointment. And you deserve better than that.

Lastly, readiness hopefully looks like being able to imagine a future with someone new without feeling bad about it, without feeling guilt, without feeling shame. If you are considering loving again, dating again, and you notice that you are inclined to hide it because you feel shame or guilt, not because maybe you are just an introverted person and you don’t want everybody knowing your business. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m saying, if you feel badly about that choice, and so you are inclined to hide it, what’s going on? What do you believe that we might want to take a look at? That’s a pretty good clue that A, dating is not going to be any fun. It’s not going to be very successful. You’re not going to create what you want, right? And B, there’s some inner work to be done so that it can be all of those things because it can be fun and successful and enjoyable. You can have what you want.

But if you go into it and you notice that you feel some guilt or shame, again, it’s just caused by stories in your mind that you picked up somewhere. “I didn’t love him enough, I wasn’t a good wife, I’m moving on too soon.” Who knows what the story is. It probably has the word “should” in it, if guilt is involved. But we’ll have a much more enjoyable and successful experience of pursuing love again and dating again if we are doing it from a place that doesn’t involve guilt or shame.

And, I want to say, while this is, I think, a pretty good list, readiness does not mean that you have to have all the answers. None of us ever have all the answers. It just means that you’re willing to listen to yourself, you’re willing to take action from a place of self-trust, you’re willing to try new things. By the way, you can stop at any time, change your mind at any time. If you’re not ready, cool. That’s okay. Doesn’t mean anything about you. Doesn’t mean you’re stuck or broken. Doesn’t mean you’ll never be ready. Maybe you’ll never want another relationship. Okay. Beautiful. Maybe you want one someday, but not now. Also beautiful. Maybe you want love, but it’s a totally different kind of love than what you had before. Again, beautiful. Right? You are the expert on you. The more honest you can be with yourself, the more aligned your choices will be.

Also, remember that readiness isn’t static. It’s not like a threshold we cross and then we’ve just crossed it forever. It is more like a moving target. It might feel like one day I feel ready and the next day I don’t. Again, resist the urge to make that mean anything. You are a human. You are a human. Sometimes we think, “Ugh, I’ve got to feel 100% ready and anything less than 100% means I’m not ready.” Well, what if readiness sometimes goes with action, comes through action?

Maybe you open a dating app just because you want to see how it feels, and you create a profile. Maybe you go on a first date just to see how it feels, no expectations. Maybe you get out there and you try it and you’re like, “Ah, I hate it. It’s terrible. I’m not ready. I’m not emotionally resourced for this.” Pause. Okay. That’s beautiful too. You can change your mind at any time. Start, stop, start again. Again, be honest with yourself about what you want. Be honest with yourself about what you’re learning along the way. That is where the magic is.

So, are you ready to love again? You don’t even need to answer that today. But if you do answer it today, it doesn’t need to be a forever decision. Check in with what feels honest, check in with what feels compassionate, what feels aligned for you. That is how we make decisions.

If you want help rebuilding self-trust so that you can answer that question for yourself with confidence, it’s one of many things, actually, that we do pretty well inside of Mom Goes On. I would invite you to apply if you go to the show notes or CoachingWithKrista.com and click on the “Work With Me” tab, you can apply for a spot in our next cohort.

If this helped, I would love it if you would leave a review or share the episode with someone else who needs it. That is what I have for you this week. Remember, I love you. You’ve got this. Take care and I’ll see you next week. Bye-bye.

If you like what you’ve been hearing on this podcast and want to create a future you can truly get excited about even after the loss of your spouse, I invite you to join my Mom Goes On coaching program. It’s small group coaching just for widowed moms like you where I’ll help you figure out what’s holding you back and give you the tools and support you need so you can move forward with confidence.

Please don’t settle for a new normal that’s less than what you deserve. Go to coachingwithkrista.com and click Work With Me for details and next steps. I can’t wait to meet you.