Ep #314: 5 Signs You’re Ready to Love Life after Loss

Welcome to The Widowed Mom Podcast, Episode 314: 5 Signs You’re Ready to Love Life After Loss.

Welcome to The Widowed Mom Podcast, the only podcast that offers a proven process to help you work through your grief, to grow, evolve, and create a future you can truly look forward to. Here’s your host, Master Certified Life Coach, grief expert, widow, and mom, Krista St-Germain.

Hey there, welcome to another episode of the podcast. Little update on my life before we jump into today’s topic. I am in full house prep mode. Quite a few more things to be done before the house is photo-ready. And so I’m working on that, still feeling lots of feelings about it, but I am doing a good job of supporting myself. And I am really craving less of a financial weight, less of an emotional weight, less weight. And this house feels like a weight to me, as much as I love so much of it.

So that’s going on. And then I’m also working very hard on my healing. And it’s so interesting to me how it looks so different this time, now that I’m in a really different place with this breakup compared to where I was when Hugo died. When Hugo died, I went right back to my old therapist. I did a lot of journaling, and I tried to read, which was kind of hit or miss, depending on how intense the widow fog was. And that’s really all I had. That was it.

Now, I have so many more resources. I definitely already understand the value of coaching. Most of my friends are coaches. And I’m also so much more willing to invest in my healing than I ever was before. Most of the options I know that now exist, I didn’t know they existed then, or maybe I just wasn’t open to them, but they just weren’t something I would consider as options. It wasn’t until quite a bit later that I actually discovered coaching.

So I’m still journaling and I’m still reading, and I’m still listening to podcasts, but I have assembled a team of practitioners with their own specialties. Someone who specializes in betrayal trauma, my tapping coach, Melanie Fay, who has been on the podcast a couple of times, who I bring into Mom Goes On twice a month to help my widowed clients there because she’s amazing and tapping is amazing. I have a spiritual advisor. I’ve done some energy healing. I’m learning more about attachment styles, human design. I’ve even gotten some support from someone who specializes in astrology, which I did not think would be helpful, and I was pleasantly surprised. And as I learn more about it, it’s actually quite helpful.

And I still coach regularly with my friend Vicki, who is a coach. We have coached every week for years together. And of course, almost all my friends are coaches. Plus, and I’m telling you all of these things because maybe they will open up some doors for you. I’m also really focused on just the basics of taking care of myself, like hydration and nutrition and sleep and gentle movement. And it feels like growth central over here, which feels really good to me. It feels very nourishing to me.

So, different strokes for different folks. You do what works for you, but I am very intent on surrounding myself with supportive resources, things that feel good to me, and things that move me toward what I want next. And something that’s become more clear to me, the more that I’ve dug in, is that this breakup is a beautiful opportunity to change some patterns within myself that I didn’t fully realize were there. And now that I can see them, I really want to change them so I can be even more of who I want to be and create even more of what matters to me. And that’s what life does, right? We just live. We learn, and then we see opportunities that maybe we didn’t see before.

And so, as painful as it’s been, I can see a lot of potential ahead of me, a lot of work as well. But there’s a part of me that feels really excited about that work and really willing to do it because I know that I’m powerful and I know that I can create something amazing with what I’ve been through all the time, right? That’s what we all can do. I don’t say that about myself to imply that I’m special. We can all do that. That means you too, right? We are all so powerful that we can decide who we want to be, no matter what happens to us. We can decide what we want to learn from it, what we want to make of it, how we want to apply it, and keep taking steps toward being more of who we want to be. And that’s very much my journey right now. And a lot of logistics and chaos related to the house.

Let’s talk about five signs that you’re ready to love life after loss. If you have been feeling like you’re just going through the motions, you’re getting things done, you’re holding it, quote unquote, “together,” maybe even smiling sometimes, but deep down, it feels like life is hollow or empty or flat or robotic. You’re doing okay, but it’s not great.

If part of you wants more, but you might not even be sure what more means exactly, you just know that this ain’t it. You might be more ready than you think you are to love life again. Even if there’s still so much sadness. Even if part of you feels guilty when you think about wanting more. Even if you’ve convinced yourself that it’s too late, or that it’s too hard or that you would be too selfish or too greedy. You are who I’m talking to. This episode is for the woman who is not in crisis anymore. She’s not barely surviving, but she also really isn’t living. She’s just surviving. And she’s starting to wonder, could I actually love life again? Is that possible for me? And she’s lovingly in this place I call a grief plateau.

And even if you aren’t in that place yet, I really encourage you to listen because I know that someday you will be. And it can be really helpful to be on the lookout, to know what’s coming so that when you get there, you’re less likely to stay stuck there.

So, today I want to share five signs that you’re probably more ready than you think you are to love life after loss. Because most of us don’t feel truly ready, even when we are. So let’s talk about what that might look like for you.

So, sign number one. You have stories that feel true, and part of you knows that they’re starting to hold you back. You have stories that feel true, and part of you knows that they’re starting to hold you back or they’re going to hold you back. Maybe you catch yourself thinking things like, I had my chance. Now I just need to focus on my kids. Or this is just how life is now. Or I’m getting by, I’m doing okay, I’m doing all right. Or it’s better than it used to be, thankfully, but it’s not great.

This is a really interesting place to be because if we don’t listen to that small little voice that starts to be aware of our stories, that wants to call BS on them, we know that we’re just going to keep repeating them. So maybe you’re starting to notice there are thoughts like that exist in your mind, stories that you’re telling yourself that imply that it’s not terrible, but it’s not great, and it might never be.

Sign number two. You’re starting to feel more frustrated than afraid. So this is that space where you’re not necessarily terrified of making changes anymore. You’re just starting to get annoyed that nothing’s changing. It might sound like, I’m doing all the things, taking care of everyone, managing the house, not falling apart, but I’m not really excited about anything either, and that doesn’t feel good to me. I don’t want to just keep feeling like I’m existing. Those are the kinds of things that women tell me all the time.

That’s what a grief plateau can sound like. And you feel frustrated about that. And that frustration is a sign. You have a desire within you for more that is trying to get your attention. And that frustration is there to show you that desire is there. For me, frustration is a sign that I am out of alignment with what my higher self wants for me. That something needs to shift when I start feeling frustrated.

But of course, that doesn’t mean that you don’t feel afraid. You still do. You still have a little fear because you’re human. Right? We all do. Anytime we’re contemplating growth or we’re on a growth edge, there will be fear. Right? We will worry about what will happen. Can we do it? Is it possible? What if it isn’t possible? What if we fail? What is dangerous or scary about that? And that’s not because anything has gone wrong at all.

That’s because you’re a human, and that’s what our primitive programming is designed to do, is to scan the environment for risk and try to keep us away. To look for things that could be dangerous and steer us clear of them. All right? So notice, though, that feeling of when frustration starts to feel stronger than fear. You’re feeling more frustrated and less fearful. Fear is still there, but the frustration is starting to rise.

Sign number three. The things that you’ve tried may have helped you before, but now they’re not moving the needle anymore. This is a big one. You’ve read the books. You’ve listened to the podcasts. You’ve journaled. These things have been helpful to you. You’ve probably even said to yourself, I should be able to figure this out. I know so much. I should be able to figure this out. Maybe you’ve done therapy, maybe you’ve done grief share, or some other local grief group. Maybe you’re even hanging out in online spaces with other widows.

It’s not because you haven’t been doing anything, necessarily. But you’re feeling stuck in the same emotional place, the same emotional patterns. Things still feel flat. It’s like those things used to help me or used to move the needle more, and now they aren’t. They aren’t helping me as much. And that’s not a sign that those tools didn’t serve a purpose or don’t serve a purpose. It’s a sign that they’re no longer the right tools for where you are and what you need.

You’re ready for a different kind of support, and you may have just not figured out what that support is yet. But you know enough to know that the effort you’re putting into the tools and support that you have really aren’t moving the needle in the way that they once were or in the way that you wish they would.

That for me, I can look back and remember how this happened for me, which was a place, it just kind of happened to be, maybe the universe just sent me this or I was ready for it. But I remember feeling that exact same way with my therapist right about the time that I discovered a coaching program that I could enroll in. And I really didn’t know that much about coaching, other than the podcast had been super helpful. But I was feeling that nothing’s really changing the way that I want it to change. I’m not moving the way that I want to move, and I couldn’t really put my finger on it. But I was definitely tired of recycling the same stories and talking about the same subjects and not seeing the changes that I wanted to see. And that’s no slight on any of the tools that I was using. It’s just that I had reached a point where I needed something different. And so that might be where you are. That’s sign number three.

Sign number four. You’re ready to imagine something more. And this is an interesting place to be, too. It’s that place where your brain is starting to be interested in possibility again. It still might feel scary. You might notice yourself imagining something, like maybe you are scrolling through social media and you see something about a retreat or a trip to wherever, Greece, or a painting class. And you think to yourself, could I do that? Is that possible for me? Like other people are doing that. Maybe, maybe I could do that. Or maybe you see a couple, or you see someone at the gym. And you, for a second, let yourself want that again. And maybe what happens really closely thereafter is that your brain shuts it down with a nope, not yet, too soon, not ready. Right? That’s fine. That’s not a problem.

But notice when that flicker of imagination, when that dream seedling is there. And your brain is starting to be open to possibility again. You know what it’s like when it isn’t there. You know what it’s like. But there’s like little inklings, little things that catch your eyes, little things that cause you curiosity, and you just notice an openness that wasn’t there before. You might not know exactly what you want. It might not feel like you’re very in touch with your desire or your vision for your life, and that’s okay. But you’re starting to notice more of an openness to imagining something more than this flatness that you’re currently experiencing.

And sign number five is that you’re sick of talking yourself out of things. You notice that you’re doing it. You notice that you keep saying to yourself, eh, maybe next month. Eh, once the kids are more settled. When I have more energy. I’ll do it when… Fill in the blank. I don’t have time. It’s too much money. You have these excuses, and you keep using them to talk yourself out of something that you actually do want.

And something inside of you is getting annoyed by that and kind of starting to roll your eyes at yourself and your own excuses. And you’re starting to notice that every time you make an excuse that goes against something you actually want, and every time you wait, nothing changes. Waiting has not changed anything. And I don’t say that because I want you to beat yourself up. That is the very last thing I want you to do. I say that because it’s something that you want to pay attention to. When you’re onto yourself, it’s a good sign. That restlessness, that kind of, I see you. That is part of your readiness.

It’s sometimes very frustrating to me as someone who cares very deeply about other people, when I have had these same conversations with widows over and over and over and over. And sometimes it will stretch over years when they’re following me and listening to all the podcasts and they know exactly how to join my programs and but they won’t let themselves have it. They keep coming up with some excuse, and then I hear from them six months later, and then six months later, and six months later. And having done this now for a long time, I can name those people. I literally can name them.

Don’t let yourself be that person. Don’t let yourself be the person who doesn’t give herself what she wants, what she needs, because of some excuses in her brain. That’s independent of whether you ever coach with me. Just don’t let yourself hide behind your own excuses and your own fear. We all have them. They’re not problems, but we just don’t want to hide behind them.

So, let me leave you with this. You don’t have to feel certain. You don’t even have to feel totally ready. And you definitely don’t have to feel confident. It’s totally okay if you don’t have a clear vision of exactly what you want. You just have to know that you want something more. Something more is available to you. You have to know that you want it, and you have to be willing to take the very next smallest step. And if that’s you, I hope you will listen to that part of you that is whispering that there has to be more than this. That you want more than this, that you deserve more than this, that more is possible for you. That if she can do it, why not you? Why not you?

And of course, that is exactly why I created my flagship Mom Goes On program. This is exactly why I did it, right? This is what we do in there since 2019. Hundreds of widowed moms have learned to love life again. That is available for you too. Coachingwithkrista.com, click on the Work With Me tab, and you can see about everything we’re doing in there and if it’s for you. And if you are nowhere near a grief plateau and you just want the terrible parts of early grief to be over, then check out my Grief Essentials program, okay?

And whether you ever join one of my programs or not, which I hope you will because I believe they will help you, I really want you to promise yourself that you will not settle in this place of good but not great. That you will not resign yourself to a life that’s okay but doesn’t feel fulfilling to you. That you will champion yourself until you find what works for you. So that you can wake up and say yes, they died. That happened. And I love who I am. I love how I show up. I love the life I have created for myself since it happened. You deserve that. And if you can hear the sound of my voice, it is possible for you. Okay?

That’s what I have for you this week. Remember, I love you. You’ve got this. Take care, and I’ll see you next week. Bye.

If you like what you’ve been hearing on this podcast and want to create a future you can truly get excited about, even after the loss of your spouse, I invite you to join my Mom Goes On coaching program. 

It’s small group coaching just for widowed moms like you, where I’ll help you figure out what’s holding you back and give you the tools and support you need so you can move forward with confidence. Please don’t settle for a new normal that’s less than what you deserve. 

Go to CoachingWithKrista.com and click “Work With Me” for details and next steps. I can’t wait to meet you.