Welcome to The Widowed Mom Podcast, episode 61, Your Future Self.
Welcome the The Widowed Mom Podcast, the only podcast that offers a proven process to help you work through your grief, to grow, evolve, and create a future you can truly look forward to. Here’s your host, Master Certified Life Coach, grief expert, widow, and mom, Krista St-Germain.
Hey there. welcome to another episode of the podcast. If this is the first time you have tuned in, you’re in for a treat because today, I’m going to teach you one of my favorite tools to use with my widowed mom clients.
You’re going to love it because it’s something you’ll be able to pull out of your toolbox when you’re struggling to make a decision or when you’re feeling down or when you’re not really sure what to do next. It’s easy to use and it’s so powerful. So, I’m excited to teach it to you.
First though, I want to do a quick little listener shoutout because I just so appreciate all of your reviews. This one is from a listener who calls themselves Mr. Phoenix Mom. And the title of the review is So Glad I Found This.
And she wrote, “I lost my husband of 25 years in December from heart-related issues after he battled end-stage kidney failure for almost two years. He was only 49 years old. Every day gets a little easier, but it’s still hard to believe he’s gone. Krista answers so many questions and describes so many feelings that I have been dealing with, and lets you know that it is okay. This podcast has been a great help to me.”
I love hearing that. I’m so sorry for your loss, but I’m really glad that the podcast is being useful. And you’re right, it is okay. wherever you are is okay, even if it feels terrible, even if it’s not where you thought you were supposed to be. All of these feelings and all of these thoughts, they are okay and we can all rest in that. So, thank you.
Okay, so a little bit about my life, what’s going on in my world before we jump into the topic at hand, and I’ll teach you how to use this powerful future self tool. I’m about to head off to the mountains of Colorado where my parents have a cabin.
I haven’t been there all season. COVID has kept us here, but we’re going to take our masks and head on out, take my two kids, and the new boyfriend. And he’s never been out there.
So, interesting thought, right? The last man that was with me at the cabin was Hugo. And that was kind of our special place. And he really loved it out there. And, of course, we have to drive by the spot on the highway where the accident happened.
So, what I’m doing to prepare for this trip is I’m just making space for myself to have lots of thoughts and feelings. I’m making space for myself to feel anything that comes up. And I’m preparing myself to not judge any of it, but just to let it be whatever it is.
I know that we’re going to have happy moments there and those are going to be caused by my brain. And I know that I’m going to have sad moments there, and those are going to be caused by my brain. And none of it means that anything has gone wrong. It’s all okay. And I’m just going to make space for it and I’m going to let it be what it is.
And whatever I feel, I’m not going to tell myself that I shouldn’t be feeling it. And this option is always available to us, no matter what’s going on. We can always decide that whatever it is that we’re thinking and feeling is okay, it is where we’re supposed to be, and not wish we were somewhere else or feeling something else.
So, that’s what’s going on with me. I record these, of course, as you know, a little bit in advance. So, by the time this airs, we’ll have already gone on that trip. But I’m looking forward to it. And at the same time, I feel a little apprehension, and that’s all okay.
Alright, let’s talk about your future self. I love this tool. I was thinking about how many times I have used it in the past few years. I think it’s one of my major go-to tools. So, I’m going to teach you when to use it, how to use it, give you some examples of times that I have used it, and then you will have access to it and it’s something you can just pull out of your toolbox.
I love doing things that are very actionable and practical. That, to me, is some of the magic of coaching, is that it really isn’t just intellectual exercises. It’s actually things that you can apply to your life.
So, your future self. Here’s where you’re going to use this tool. You’re going to want to use this tool when you have a big decision to make and you’re not sure how to make it, when you’re struggling to make a decision, when you’re thinking you should do it one way or you’re worried you’re going to do it wrong, any big decision that’s weighing on you, this tool is perfect for.
It’s a great tool to use when you’re struggling to prioritize taking care of yourself, when you’re kind of forgetting that it’s a marathon and not a spring and you’re really, you intellectually know that you want to take better care of yourself, but you’re struggling to make that happen.
It’s a good tool to use when you’re just feeling blah, when you’re feeling down, when you need a pick me up. When life just seems hard and you don’t know what to do next and you aren’t sure how you should be behaving or where you should be putting your energy, this tool is amazing.
So, here’s why this tool works, your future self. And this speaks to my philosophy on coaching, in part. I believe that you have wisdom inside of you. And when you can get out of your own way, you know what’s best for you. I believe we know how to be our own advice-givers, our own advisors, when we can access our own internal wisdom.
And sometimes, a lot of people will come to me and they will think that coaching is about giving advice, me telling them what to do. But it is not. Well, that’s not true. Some coaches are full of advice and will happily tell you how you should live your life. That’s not my style of coaching.
It’s not the style of coaching I practice because I don’t ever tell my clients what to do because I don’t believe I know what’s best for your life. But I believe you know what’s best for your life. I believe you know the next best move, the next best decision for you. And what I’m great at doing and what this tool is going to help you do is helping you access the inner wisdom that you already have.
I’m really good at helping my clients do that. And the future self tool is one way that you can get out of your own way and tap into that inner knowing that already exists.
So, this is why it works. It works because you already have wisdom inside of you and there’s just some stuff in the way sometimes, and the future self helps you get it out of the way so you can tap into that wisdom that you already have.
So, here’s how you’re going to use it. There’s really only three steps. It’s relatively simple. This is going to be a short podcast. First of all, this is not a step, but you have to use your imagination. So, I recommend that when you’re accessing future self, you close your eyes, if that’s something you’re comfortable with. Or if not, you just soften your gaze. But you’re going to use your imagination.
And then, step one is that you’re going to go to the future. You’re going to imagine a place where you’re truly happy with your life. You’re where you want to be. And it can be any time in the future. It can be a few months, a few years, decades even.
Now, we’re not going to the place where you’re happy all the time and nothing ever happens that isn’t according to plan. You’re still human. Happiness all the time isn’t the point. But we’re going to go to the future in our imagination and go to that place where whatever it is that we’re worried about is resolved.
Whatever that decision we’re struggling with, it’s made. It’s done. Whatever that result is that we want to create that we haven’t been able to create, we’re going to go to that place in our mind where we have created it. It’s just done.
So, that’s step one. We go to that future place. Step two is we feel the feeling. Feel the feeling of it. Feel all the feelings of it. Feel the emotions that, in that imaginary place, your future self feels. You are where you want to be. You are living the life you want to live.
Because in this future place, everything has worked out. The bumps in the road that you face now, they’re behind you. The challenging decisions you face now, they’ve already been made. Your success is as good as done. You’ve created it.
Can you feel how that future version of you feels? She’s not hurried. She’s not so stressed. She’s not so worried, so anxious, or fearful. That future you who’s in that place where all of this is behind her, she’s loving and calm and she’s peaceful and she’s got this assuredness about her. She’s certain, right?
This future you, she knows that it will all work out, that it will all be okay, because it all is okay. She knows that your success is inevitable and there’s no doubt and no lack, no limitation. She knows that truth of who you are and there is no question in her mind of your capability, your potential, your value. This future version of you is abundant and wise. She’s so grounded. So, that’s step two. Feel all of the feelings that your future self feels.
Now, step three, let that future version of you give you advice. What would she tell you to start doing? What would she tell you to stop doing? She’s already done what it is you want to do, created what you want to create, solved whatever problem you perceive is in front of you. She’s done it. She’s living the life that you want to live.
So, ask her to tell you how she did that. Even if she just tells you the next step, even if she just tells you to breathe, calm down, it’s going to be okay, you’ve got this. You let her tell you and guide you and be your advisor. She is there. And you can tap into her any time you want. You just have to use your imagination, go to the future, feel how she feels because you’re thinking how she thinks, and then tap into that and ask her what she would tell you.
Here’s how this has worked for me. So, in many instances, but some that come to mind, when I was trying to decide whether to become a life coach or keep going with my corporate job while pursuing marriage and family therapy as a Master’s degree. I went back and forth for quite a while on that.
And I finally tapped into my future self and I went to a place where I wasn’t attached to the how. I wasn’t attached to the how I was happy. But I knew that I was. I knew that I had created an option B, the next chapter, life following my marriage with Hugo.
I had created a career that I loved. I was making money that I wanted to make. I was accomplishing the goals that I wanted to accomplish. I was feeling rewarded. I was loving it. I went to that place, where that result that I wanted to create was done. And I felt how it felt.
And I didn’t feel scared. And I didn’t feel worried that I was going to make the wrong decision. And I didn’t hold myself back because I was thinking, you know, “Coaching is the hard path and I don’t want it to be too hard.”
But I went to that place where I was successful in this next phase of my career, and I tapped into that future version of me. And from that place, I made a decision, knowing that either way, I could be successful. I could be successful in a marriage and family therapy program. I could be successful as a life coach.
But how did I create that success? Which path was right for me? And that’s how I got there. And I realized, yeah, coaching. Nothing wrong with therapy. Love me some therapists. Love the therapists I’ve worked with.
But what really I wanted to do and was so terrified to do because it felt outside the box, it felt a little unknown, “Here I am, living in the Midwest, no one knows what a life coach even is. Everybody’s going to think I’m crazy. It’s not as safe of a path.” These are all my thoughts, by the way. Accessing my future self helped me get past all of that.
When I went shopping for a house after Hugo died and I remember really agonizing about, “Do I stay in this house? Do I go to a new house?” And I looked. I had a real estate agent. She was helping me. I was looking at houses, getting the kids a little excited about moving, but really torn, what it would cost for me to move to a new house, what I was going to pay in property taxes.
In Kansas, we have special taxes where when you build a new house, you get to pay for all of the cost of, you know, essentially building the neighborhood. So, a lot of money. My brain.
So, I accessed my future self. She’s happy. We don’t know where she lives, but we know she’s happy with where she lives. What would she tell me to do? She’d tell me to strop worrying about it, right?
My future self always tells me that it’s going to be okay, you’re going to make it. This isn’t worth worrying over. Worrying isn’t actually helping you. Worrying is just taking up your precious brain space, and I love you too much to let you keep worrying like this. It’s all going to be okay. Just have faith. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and believe in yourself. These are the types of things my future self tells me.
She knows how to help me get out of confusion. And this is what I want for you. Your future self is going to help you access the wisdom that you already have.
Have you ever worked a puzzle, a brand-new puzzle, straight out of the box puzzle? You open the puzzle. You bought it from the store, you open the puzzle. Your level of confidence that all of the puzzle pieces are there is very high. You don’t spend a lot of time worrying about whether you’re going to be able to put the puzzle pieces together.
You know that it’s just going to be trial and error. You know that all the pieces are there. you see the picture that you’re working toward. You believe in your ability to figure out a puzzle, even if it takes you a while. And you can relax into the doing. You’re not panicked. You’re not worried. You’re not fretting. You’re not anxious. It’s just a puzzle. All the pieces are there. You’re going to figure it out. You’re calm.
And from that peaceful assured place, from that place that says, “We’re going to get there. We’ve got some work to do, we’ve got some pieces to experiment with, and we might have to work our little process of elimination, but we’re going to make it. It’s all going to be fine.
You do the puzzle from that energy. That’s what accessing your future self helps you do; tap into that calm, connected, peaceful, assured, certain, abundant place that exists already within you.
So, in summary, you’re going to use your imagination. You’re going to go to the future. You want to close your eyes, soften your gaze. Go to that place where whatever it is you want to create, whatever the problem is, it’s already solved.
You’re going to feel the feelings that your future self feels, and then you’re going to let her give you advice. What should you stop doing? What should you start doing? What is the wisdom that she has to offer you that will help you move toward the life that you want to live? That’s what I have for you today. I hope it is super helpful for you.
If you aren’t following me on Instagram, I’m having some fun with Instagram, come connect, @lifecoachkrista is where you can find me on Instagram. I hope you really get a lot out of this future self tool. Come tell me, if you follow me on Instagram, come tell me over there. Send me an email. Connect with me on Facebook.
Let me know what you think of this tool and how it helps you. Because it’s definitely helped me and it’s helped so many of my clients. And it’s just so easy to do.
Alright, remember, I love you, and you’ve got this. Take care, and I’ll see you next week. Bye-bye.
If you like what you’ve been hearing on this podcast and want to create a future you can truly get excited about, even after the loss of your spouse, I invite you to join my Mom Goes On coaching program. It’s small group coaching just for widowed moms like you where I’ll help you figure out what’s holding you back and give you the tools and support you need so you can move forward with confidence.
Please don’t settle for a new normal that’s less than what you deserve. Go to coachingwithkrista.com and click Work With Me for details and next steps. I can’t wait to meet you.